Happy new year, bachche. How are you? Kar li party? Are you all about that #NewYearNewMe vibe now? Because I am! 2023 2024 is my year, I guarantee it. Yes, the virus is still here. But it’s still a new year, so I made resolutions! So unique, I know. I was very smart about these resolutions too. I only listed (and laminated) realistic resolutions which I can keep…or pretend to keep. Optics are everything, beta.

Now, I know you’re all waiting with bated breath for updates on my resolutions because I’m such a trendsetter. So, here they are — my resolutions (kept and unkept) for 2024. Yes, you can borrow them or use these tips to figure out how to keep your own resolutions.

Resolution 1: I am going to eat healthier

I added more nuts in my daily gajar ka halwa and replaced my evening cup of chai with brandy. It’s called self-care, which is the healthiest thing you can ever do.

Resolution 2: I will gossip less

In 2024, I will give out information about my neighbours, relatives, and friends on a need-to-know basis. No no, reporting to Mrs Chadha about what’s happening in Mrs Duggal’s house is not gossip. Everyone needs to know about Mrs Duggal’s issues with her new bahu. How else will we know about the newest member of our kitty? This is an essential service.

Resolution 3: I will redecorate my house completely

I have to admit I only pretended to keep this resolution. Kuchh nahi hota in the winter, beta. I moved a couple of plants to new spots and that tired me out so much that I needed more “chai”. Hehe.

Resolution 4: I will help people more

This need not have even been a resolution for a saintly person. Look at me, helping you every week. I told you how to make your mom-in-law love you, how to deal with dry skin in the winter, all the latest from my bestie Kate’s house after that show about her family aired on Netflix, and so much more! I even found Bollywood rishtas for you! Does it get any more saintly?

Resolution 5: I will read at least two books a month

I bought a new bookshelf, bought new books in different colours, and now I read the plot summaries of all these books on Wikipedia. I started doing this after I read one entire book which everyone keeps talking about, but it made no sense whatsoever. Did you know that To Kill A Mockingbird has no chicken recipes? Ridiculous.

Okay, I’m done. Wait, were you expecting a resolution to work out and get a magical bikini body in 2024? That’s so common and pleb, bachche. Aunty Eve is better than that.