Feminism – a word that triggers loud debates even now, when we should’ve evolved enough as a species to understand its importance for all of humanity. In the simplest of terms, feminism means equality, but people have come up with their own definitions and connotations of the word. And several men have weaponised the term. Male feminists are quite like “good men”. Those who walk around claiming to be one, often aren’t. So, if you are looking to identify misogynists disguised as feminists, here are the major signs to look out for.

1. He “lets” you live your life

Men just love telling women how to live their lives. They love “allowing” women to work and “letting” women wear what they want. Self-proclaimed male feminists also do this, but they just change their vocabulary. So now, instead of “allowing” the women in his life to live how they want, he “lets” them live their lives. He lets his wife work, he lets her wear short clothes, and he lets her make her decisions. And if those decisions are not “good”, he rejects them. Simple.

2. His actions and words often don’t match

Men who claim to be feminists say that all women are equal and deserve to be treated equally, but their actions often don’t match. They won’t stop their friends from shit-talking about women, instead, they will laugh it off as a joke. And sometimes, they even partake in locker-room talk. Not very feminist of them, is it?

3. He doesn’t believe all women are equal

There are levels to women who can be treated equally, and it is often based on their social standing. Their mothers, sisters, and wives can have equality, but not their maids, people in the service industry, or even an unknown sex worker. The latter deserve to be treated with contempt and rudeness because it’s a part of their job. But if someone takes the same attitude with the women in their lives, these men will be ready to take up arms. Feminist hain hum!

4. He is a pro at non-apologies

If you’ve ever heard “I am sorry your feelings were hurt”, “I’m sorry you took my words the wrong way” or anything along these lines, know that these are non-apologies. Because the blame lies on you and not the one who is apologising, and the so-called male feminists are often quite fluent in non-apologies. So, if you see him waving this red flag, it’s best to keep your distance.

5. He uses his emotions to manipulate you

Men have grown up hearing that they can’t be emotional, which is sad. Men should be encouraged to be more vulnerable with their emotions and be given the space to cry their hearts out and talk about their feelings. But if they use those emotions to manipulate you, run for the hills, my dear.

If he says something like “You know me, na? I’m just anxious, and I’m worried about you. That’s why I need to know where you are at all times” or “I only did this because I love you” it’s a sign of emotional manipulation. And a lot of male feminists know how to play up their emotions to make them out to be the wronged party.

6. He weaponises incompetency to get his way

Unfortunately, most men have grown up coddled by their families. They never had to lift a finger to do anything around the house. Chances are, he hates doing household chores as well. And if you are unlucky enough to have married such a man, no matter how many times he shouts ‘I am a feminist’, you’ve got the short end of the stick. Self-proclaimed male feminists usually use weaponised incompetency to get their way. They can’t do the laundry because they just don’t know how the washing machine works, or they don’t know where the dishwashing soap is kept, so they can’t do the dishes. Their list of excuses is endless.

7. He easily crosses the small boundaries

When someone crosses big boundaries in a relationship, it’s easy to spot, but the smaller boundaries often get overlooked. But if your partner repeatedly crosses the smaller boundaries, backpedals, apologises, and repeats the process, that’s a red flag.

If you’ve told your partner, you don’t always want to eat at a fancy place, yet he always chooses a luxurious restaurant for a date, that’s not a good sign. If he continues to make fun of topics you have told him you take seriously, it’s time to ditch him, ladies, or at least, take a good look at your relationship.

8. He controls you because he knows “how men think”

Your man knows how the minds of other men work, hence he wants you to behave accordingly. So, it’s perfectly okay if you wear short clothes in front of him, but you can’t wear those clothes and go out. ‘Coz it’s a jungle out there. He knows men are beasts, but he won’t make any effort to correct the men in his life. He’d rather control and restrict the women in his life.

9. He’s feminist around women only

If he is only a feminist when in the company of women and not in the company of men, he is not a feminist. He talks about equality only when he is with his female friends and colleagues, but the moment he is with his boys, it’s back to the normal business of judging, slut-shaming, and putting women down.

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