Oh hello, bachche. You’re back! Oh ho, your dear aunty is so tired after dancing in my neighbour’s baraat. On my terrace, of course. Who says you can’t dress up and dance at a wedding for which you’re not invited? They would’ve invited me, you know. But Mrs Duggal told me she worries about my health, so it’s best I don’t go only. And now I know she only sees me as her true friend. I saw the others from our circle there, in the baraat, dancing in a crowd. Hmph, idiots.

Related: #AuntyEve: What To Do With The 150 Kilos You Put On During Diwali, And More

Anyway, chalo chalo. Let’s talk about your problems first (as usual). Kya hua? Can’t deal with the winter? I know. It’s tough. Forget about getting out of the rajai in the morning, I toh don’t come out of it till 3pm hehe. You know me, I have the best solutions to all problems. So, I will sort out all your winter problems.

Hair is getting very dry and skin is turning its colour to grey from brown. I don’t know what to do.
–WinterSucks

Dear WinterSucks,

Okay, bachche. Let’s go one by one. First, your hair. Desi nuskhe use karo. Where is your stash of jama hua coconut oil? Use it every third day and leave it on for eight hours at least. Also, don’t forget this very important step. You need to take 2-3 hour naps every four hours while you’ve got oil in your hair. So, take chhutti from your ridiculously stressful job twice a week. And now to your skin. Beta, what do I say? If your skin colour is only changing, you need a doctor, not Aunty Eve. I know I’m very, very smart but there are limits to my knowledge, bachche. Chalo, call a dermatologist abhi ke abhi. I will know if you don’t.

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My skin is really dry, and there are rashes on my skin. I use coconut oil, moisturiser and all, but still. What to do? 

–EverythingIsSookhaSookha

Beta ji, has no one told you? Summer skincare does not work in winter. Aa jaaya karo mere paas. I will tell you everything and give you a facial…for free. I should charge for my services but I feel for all of you. Hanji, toh skin dry ho gayi? Coconut oil is fine, but where is your ghee ka dabba? That is the ultimate moisturiser for the winter. Do you know how your dear Aunty Eve got such amazing skin? Apart from my daily charcoal mask, I also put ghee all over my face. Yes, sometimes I smell like tadka but that’s a small sacrifice for the glow. HOWEVER (I only use such big words when I’m serious so pay attention), I have learnt from experience, do not use 1/4th of a dabba all over your body in one go. You will break a bone.

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How do I get out of my blanket in the morning, Aunty? My boss will fire me if I don’t show up for my daily meeting at 9am. 

–ColdAndOverworked 

Ab dekho, bachche. If you want to earn the big bucks, you have to make some sacrifices na. No no, I don’t mean throwing your blanket off at 8am. Eesh! Torture! I mean, spend a few hours after work in learning how to lie. Make sure your laptop is within reach before you get into the blanket at night. Then, at 8.55am, plug in your earphones and get your laptop closer to you. Stay in the blanket at all times. When your boss asks why your camera isn’t on, tell them your dog ate it. If this excuse worked for maths homework, it’ll work for the office too. Once you start doing this, other lazy bums in your team will follow (such a trendsetter, nazar na lagey). Problem solved!

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Stay khush, not khushk. Come back next week for more of my NASA-level jugaads. Till then, stock up on ghee and coconut oil. Ok bye, bachche. I hear dhols again.

Related: Halwa Recipes To Make This Winter Warm And Sweet