Hello, loves! You’re probably wondering who I am and why I have this mask on my face. Well, I’m Aunty Eve, the messiah who will solve all your problems. Whether it’s a crazy boss or a hateful mom-in-law, I will tell you how to turn those cringey taaney into sureeley gaaney. How, you ask? With my decades of wisdom and experience, of course. I’ve attended enough shaadis, heard enough rone-dhone, and lived with my in-laws long enough to know how to figure out the biggest problems. Don’t worry, my bachchas, I’ve used most of these solutions in my own life.
So, a few of you sent in questions about your pesky mums-in-law, and oh my dears, you have it rough! I need my chiffon ki shield to hide my face while I gasp at your issues. In private, of course.
It only seems apt then that my first lesson to you all is how to make your MIL love you. Ab dekho bachcha, you are not her daughter, don’t even expect the coddling you received at home from your saasu. But there are ways to make your life easier if she can’t stop being a pain in your you-know-what. Let me tell you how by addressing these dukhi aatmas.
My MIL hates to see me prioritise my career (and general happiness) over having children. How do I make her see me as more than a walking uterus?
I get you. I don’t always love my Ginny and Sweetie either. But your MIL does seem to love children, no? Here’s an easy peasy solution – get a plant that’s moderately hard to keep alive. If your saasu ji from hell can keep that alive for at least two seasons, get her a pet, something that’s not easy to kill. If she can manage to maintain both for at least a year, let her know that she’s now ready to have another baby. This way, you keep your career and she gets her weird midlife crisis wish fulfilled. Also, change husbands, because if he isn’t standing up for you here, you know who’s the actual ugh.
My mother-in-law has a lot to say about how I’m raising my kids even though she didn’t do such a great job with her son. He’s 38 and can’t wash his own underwear, but my kids are supposed to be coding geniuses at 6 and 10. What do I do?
First of all, stop washing this man’s chaddis. When he doesn’t have a single undie, and can’t get express online delivery, he’ll learn how to deal with detergent. In fact, give him your dirty chaddis too as payback. Not the expensive ones though. Lord knows, they’ll come back in lacy tatters. Anyway, getting back to our lovely saasu here. When she sends you the link of yet another online coding course for kids, send a link of a seniors’ activity like a knitting tutorial on YouTube. If she doesn’t get the hint after this battle of links, install Candy Crush on her phone and tell her your mom has managed to reach level 4000. That should keep her busy for the next six months.
My MIL doesn’t let me use the dryer for my clothes, she says it increases the electricity bill. I mean, wtf! I don’t have a big enough balcony either. How long can I hang my clothes to dry in my bedroom?
I can smell the wetness of your clothes from here. Ew. Move out, my dear. And until you do, use ear plugs and run that dryer. They owe you for putting up with them and marrying what I’m assuming is an invertebrate. The least this saasu can do is shut her noisy trap when you’re using the appliances. If ignoring her doesn’t help the situation, ask your in-laws how much they paid for the dryer. Divide that up with the number of days you’ve been married. For example, 30,000 divided by 300. Then put a gullak on the dining table and, at dinner time, put 100 rupees in it and announce that you’ve put in your dryer fee for the day. Make sure the neighbours hear this announcement.
Try these solutions, and your mother-in-law will have no choice but to love you. Mine loves me…I think.
Write to me with your problems at email@example.com, and I will straighten your life out. Aunty Eve is always here for you, bachche!