Haye, beta! I’m SO TIRED today. I just got back from a whirlwind trip to the UK because my dear friend Kate was just so devastated. She had NO IDEA what she had married into, the poor thing. You know, back when they were getting married, I had tried to warn her about her grand saasu. But na ji, hamaari kaun sunta hai? Especially young people…in love…with a literal prince! So now, she watched The Crown because someone told her that she can get videos of young William from the show. But she completely forgot about all that when she saw what her in-laws were capable of. This wasn’t even the worst thing though.

The biggest mistake of all was that Kate put the show on during a family dinner as a way to impress her grand saasu with her interest in the family’s history. Oh ho ho, bachche! When Kate called me that day, I knew I just had to go help her. Since there’s so much that happened, I asked you all for questions on what you really wanted to know. Here’s what you asked and I learned…on the sly hehe. I’m very smart.

Omg how did the Queen react to season 4?

– LivingForGossip

Dear LivingForGossip,

What are you even expecting, beta? That she screamed and shouted and fired her entire staff for leaking information? No no, Lilibet aunty is far too sophisticated for all that. #queen, you know. So after Kate made them sit through the first episode of season 4, they decided to watch the whole thing but they waited for me since I am a very important friend of the family, you know. They really value my opinion. Even though Lilibet aunty was fairly calm, I did sit next to her during the Camilla waale episodes because she looked like she was about to throw a vase at her son. And then she asked me what is the Hindi word for ‘shameless, horse-faced, idiotic little shit’. I’m still thinking.

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So did they…do it?

– RevengeForDiana

Dear RevengeForDiana,

Beta, I’m a friend of the family, not their lawyer. I don’t think they will ever confess any “crimes” to me. Of course, I have my own opinions based on the things I have seen and heard at Buckingham Palace. And bachche, these things are not pleasant at all. Also, you will be happy to know that there has been no peace in this family since 1997. Matlab I thought my pados waale Mehtas had saas bahu issues, but these Windsor-Mountbattens are a roller-coaster! Not even the fun Appu Ghar kind. Let’s just say, Camilla aunty prays for a certain someone to die peacefully in her sleep every night. And Lilibet aunty does the same. Lilibet aunty, however, has the resources to make it happen, so…who knows. Also, I think rewatching their lives through this show is giving the grand saasu some ideas.

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Did Kate and Meghan actually fight?

– NotMaheepKapoor

Dear NotMaheepKapoor,

Okay, listen. I know you feel strongly about this because you have London in your veins instead of blood, but who doesn’t fight with their jethaani? Yes, sometimes, we can’t really tell who’s right or who’s wrong (Meghan’s wrong, Kate is my friend). But their arguments were just regular devraani-jethaani tiffs. Meghan put too much mirchi in the dal one day, and Kate really likes bland Indian food, so she got all upset. Then, Kate went and told grand saasu about Meghan and her disastrous dal. So, Meghan got upset. Yeh toh chalta rehta hai, beta. Kahaannniieeei gharrr ghurrr kiiee (is that the right spelling, Ekta?) and all that. Also, Meghan was very upset when The Crown people said that there won’t be a season for just Harry and Meghan. Kate was quite happy about that though.

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How did Charles react to The Crown and watching his shitty behaviour all over again?

– ILoveHorses

Dear ILoveHorses,

He’s been…staring. Just staring. First, at the TV, then at Camilla. I don’t really know what he’s thinking. He did say, “I did not know I looked so bloody good as a young man.” After the awkward silence, Willy went to him and told him it was an actor on screen and that he looked much worse as a young man than he does now. But Charles uncle was convinced. He kept saying, “I look bloody good.” No one responded. I don’t think he saw anything wrong, bachche. In fact, he said, between snorts, that he can’t wait for the next season and relive how much of a stud he was. I think Charles uncle would fit very well in Delhi, haina?

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Oh no, Kate is calling again. I think she’s watched the first three seasons also now. Haye, bechari! She thinks the same things will happen to her also if she continues to look like such a fashion icon. I told her she has nothing to worry about, but maanti hi nahi hai. Chalo, off to the London again. Byeee.

Related: Princess Diana In The Crown Season 4 Is The Indian Bahu We All Know