What is this love affair between Diwali and my waistline? I mean, I’m still carrying 2020 ke laddoos on my hips and yeh dekho, 2022 ki Diwali is also over and done. Are you also struggling, beta, with all those kaju “katlis” (what is this new fad, it’s kaju ki barfi) and the extra naans you had with all that butter paneer/chicken (I am very tolerant of all cultures) and the daily “glasses” of wine because festive season woohoo? Koi na. Your dear Aunty Eve is here to help with your Diwali detox. We will win the battle of the kilos together!

Firstly, put on a charcoal mask, you impurities ki dukaan. Then, settle down with a glass (yes, glass! A single glass) of red wine (detox juice), and let’s get started with all your questions. Because I got so many questions this week, I will take a few more than the regular. I hardly have any spare time, bachche, but I can’t leave all you tragedy queens like this.

How to get rid of chin pimples. They are very annoying!

— PimpleKapadia

Dear PimpleKapadia,

There is one golden rule when it comes to pimples, whether on the chin or the bum. DO NOT POKE. See, beta, I am no antaryaami but I think I know what is actually bothering you. It’s that aunty’s taanas, right? Or was it the display of flawless skin on Katrina Kaif’s Instagram? Everyone and their chachi gets pimples, okay? They’re as natural as sunlight. If they hurt or if you think they’re just too much to handle now, go to a dermatologist, bachche, don’t take advice from anywhere and everywhere. And if they’re not really troubling you personally but you want to adhere to some weird social convention of beauty, I suggest that you take a nice mid-day nap and eat well, because happiness is far more important than a pimple-free chin, my dear.

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Sat too long in the pre-winter dhoop and got tanned. How to get rid of tanning, Aunty?

— NotfairStilllovely

Dear NotfairStilllovely,

Have you seen how goras run to the tropics and exotic countries like India to get a tan? Aapka ghar baithe baithe ho gaya. What is the problem? Count your blessings, beta, not your melanin.

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My belly seems to be jiggling a bit more this week. How do I reduce this belly fat?

— BornBellyDancer

Dear BornBellyDancer,

Your belly is doing you such a huge favour by being your own, personal entertainer. And you’re trying to get rid of it? Sharam karo kuchh, bachche. Tch tch. I love the way my body jiggles in different directions with every step I take. Such a party! But if you do want to get rid of “belly fat”, there is an overgrown tree in front of my house. Come, eat it.

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I ate extra barfi on Sunday, what do I do now?

— BarfiBai

Dear BarfiBai,

Haw! Tauba! Curse you to the ends of the earth!!!!! You had extra barfi and you DIDN’T send it to your loving Aunty Eve? Do you know what a shortage I had on Diwali weekend? We had 3 dabbas at home on Thursday, but then Friday night happened and I ate 2 of those dabbas in 30 minutes. Then, my sister came and took the other dabba, pretending that she had run short. I know her, hoarder kahin ki! And now you’re telling me you had extra barfi? Shame on you, bachche, shame on you.

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Everyone’s telling me I need to lose 10 kgs for a wedding next week but I didn’t diet this weekend. How to hide?

— FutureBride

Dear FutureBride,

No one paid attention to any diets this weekend, bachche. And if you’ve put on 10 kgs in one week, I bow down to you, my queen. How did you do this? Tell your aunty, share tips. This is a superhuman feat. And if you haven’t put on this much weight and people are just saying that you have, here’s a GREAT tip for the wedding. Take some scotch tape with you. Put it on the mouth of whoever comments on your body, good or bad. This will ensure that you don’t get invited to any other event with this crowd and that means good riddance, bachche. It’s all part of the Diwali detox plan.

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Have a good Diwali detox, bachche. And don’t forget to send all extra mithai to Aunty Eve.