Hanji, I know. You have decided the pandemic is over. I had just convinced your uncle to go on a Grey’s Anatomy binge with me, but he now meets his drinking buddies every day at the club! He even got a fourth dose of the vaccine in Dubai and plans to get another in May. Anyway, have you made your Holi plans yet? Are you going to behave like Covid never happened? Will you go smush people’s faces with your unsanitised hands? Well, you’re an idiot then. But since I am not, I decided to make a full plan for myself. Of course, I will share it with you, bachche! My only job is to help you become a better person.

Here are some of the best ways to celebrate Holi at home and make sure your body is FULL of the festive spirit.

Eat a full rainbow cake

Do this while watching MasterChef so that you don’t feel too hungry while looking at dishes you’ll never make. Shaadi kaise hogi, bachche? Learn some cooking! But not today. Don’t ruin your and your family’s holiday. Remember to order a rainbow cake a day in advance, okay? I’ve told many little bachchas like you to do the same thing. And you know how everyone always listens to me.

Colour your hair

So what if you can’t go wild in the streets, bachche? Go wild in the bathroom! Don’t get naughty thoughts now hehehehehe.

Look what your dear Aunty Eve has done to her hair. Isn’t it gorgeous? I know everything looks good on me, but this is just amazing na?

Model all your wedding clothes…for yourself

The shaadis in my neighbourhood have given me so much FOMO, beta! You know, fear of missing out? So trendy your aunty is. Anyway, you probably feel the same way too. Haina? So, why don’t you just wear all the colourful wedding clothes that are rotting away in your cupboard? Before they become so outdated that you don’t even feel like looking at them, at least wear them one more time. Make a playlist and do a performance also. Dance like Aunty Eve is watching. Because she is.

Paint!

This is one of my favourite things to do every day. Look at the beautiful canvas in my studio. Yes, I have a studio! Sometimes, your dear uncle uses it as a bedroom but it is actually my studio. Just look. How much do you think this painting will sell for? I’m sure it will be over 10 lakhs or so, but I am not paise ki bhookhi, bachche. You can just take it for free. I insist!

Drink everything colourful

Whether it’s Holi or yet another Friday, I always like to have a colourful drink by my side. Don’t you? After all, is there anything better than watching my favourite movie for the 12,964^th time (on my new TV) and sipping my cocktail very, very fast? This is paradise, bachche. Aao kabhi to Aunty Eve’s haveli.

Happy Holi, kids. The pandemic is still around, okay?

Related: 5 Holi Recipes That Will Give You Major Festive Vibes At Home