Beta ji, anyone who knows me knows that I am a very caring person. Why else would I come here week after week to teach you how to live a better life? But caring doesn’t mean I’m a maternal person. Haye haye, bachche. The sound of a screaming baby makes my friends feel all the empathy and sympathy in the world, but it just makes me want to plug my ears. On my last flight, I was really regretting taking all the wax out of my ears because there was one “child” that just would not stop throwing things and screaming. Not in pain. No, no. This thing was screaming out of joy. Everyone else was laughing and oohing and aahing, and I just wanted to grab a life jacket and jump.

I know, I know, there are many aunties out there who are constantly on your case to have a baby! But you know me, I’m the anti-aunty. I’m here to tell you why it’s okay to not want a child. So, pay close attention to the only aunty who’s truly on your side.

There is no guarantee of cuteness

Not all babies are born equal. Some are so damn cute that they could be cast in a Cerelac commercial just by going to the park, but some are downright creepy. Don’t come at me with some “children are god’s gift” nonsense. No, children are the combination of your DNA and whatever comes from your sperm donor. And if nature decides to twist your cuteness upside down and showcase it on your baby’s face, you may not even like your own child. And that is so much worse than not having a child at all. Avoid the risk, bachche.

All of your beautiful home decor will be mercilessly murdered

Don’t you just love the couch that goes perfectly with your pristine carpet? And those gorgeous, elegant drapes on your windows? Ooh la la. Now imagine tearing them to shreds. Hurts, na? Well, it hurt me too when Mrs Bhatia’s grandson used to come to my house and just trash the place. No amount of chappal threats deterred him, beta. I nearly fainted when he took my Huda Beauty matte lip colour and almost emptied it on my freshly dry-cleaned dining chair. I still have nightmares of that day.

How will you keep it clean?

Speaking of clean stuff, how do you plan on keeping a baby clean when you barely find the will to clean your cupboard? If washing the makeup off your face at night feels like an achievement, how will you wipe a baby every couple of hours? These things throw stuff out of their body from every crevice they can manage. So, how do you plan on sacrificing sleep and meals to keep your baby clean?

Children are such a waste of your hard-earned money

You’ve worked 12-hour shifts, bent over in so many different ways to please the tyrant who sits in your boss’ cabin, and you’ve sacrificed so many nights out and shopping sprees. Why? So that a baby could take all your money away? This money has plans, bachche. Plans to take you to the most beautiful parts of the world, plans to make you look like a legit fairy princess in Sabyasachi, and plans to let you live the best life possible with a home theatre in your bedroom! You deserve to live a happy, fulfilled life, not one where you have to keep starting from scratch because your child keeps asking for things like an iPad…or a half-decent education.

Do you really want to be the parent you judged the other day?

Do you remember how you judged the couple who brought their baby to a bar? Or the parents who brought their screaming toddlers for a movie you’d been dying to watch? Would you want to trade places with them? If the people with kids had asked themselves the same questions, maybe, just maybe, you’d be exchanging eye rolls with them across the restaurant because a noisy kid just walked in. But they didn’t do their due diligence and now, they’re the ones causing your eyes to roll all the way into your brain.

Babies become toddlers, pre-teens, and then teenagers!

See, even if you birth an angel sent straight from heaven, they will grow up. And the cutest kids aren’t that adorable when they’re telling you to go f**k yourself because you told them to eat their vegetables. Teenagers should be dreaded, and whoever doesn’t fear them is asking for lifelong trauma. I realised this long ago when the neighbour’s kid turned 13 and their horrifying dinnertime became my daily entertainment.

They don’t achieve self-sufficiency for at least 22 years

Children are called dependents for a reason. They literally depend on you to survive. And this phase of their life lasts for about 22 years on average. How, you ask? Well, when you turned 21, how independent were you truly? Didn’t you still forget to eat meals and drink water and feel sick without realising why you feel like death? Or are you confident that your child will magically know how to survive independently when they turn 18, the age when you, with terror in your heart, had to take permission from your mom for a sleepover?

Related: Aunty Eve Talks: How To Convince Your Parents To Let You Go On A Trip With Friends

What if you meet me on a flight?

I’m not one of those aunties who will offer to babysit. I will probably encourage you to deboard instantly. I may even report you to the crew for unruly behaviour. I’ll make you feel terrible about ever having a bebe. And that will just make me feel bad. I need to protect myself and my feelings, you know.

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