As I’m sure you know, bachche, it’s the season of layoffs. And I know you’re probably worried about your job, especially if you’ve been exceptionally lazy in the past few months. I won’t blame you for being scared about your job if you’re always reaching the office an hour before lunch and leaving by tea time. Even I’m not that shameless, beta ji. Anyway, the damage is done, so it is now time for repair work. If you want to save your job at the peak of this layoff season, here is how to make sure your boss likes you enough to keep you around.
Or at least look like you’re on time. Announce your arrival when you’re on time, and find a back door to sneak in when you’re late. Never be the one who gets caught. If there’s a biometric in your office, you will just have to reach the office on time. In this case, find a corner to nap in during the day to compensate for not sleeping another 10 minutes in the morning. Once you’re punched in, you’re golden, bachche.
Don’t waste time on your phone
Scroll through social media on your laptop. Don’t get caught with your phone in your hand and a smile on your face at 11 am. In fact, make it a habit to stop reacting to memes and just frown at the screen. It will be much easier to waste time at work if everyone thinks you’re worried all the time.
Upskill, upskill, upskill
Take a course on how to use corporate jargon without sounding stupid. Don’t say “I don’t know”, say, “Let me circle back on that after analysing the numbers closely”. Don’t say “I’m not going to do it, you ass”, instead, say, “I think Mr. XYZ (a person you hate) has the right skills for this task”. There are so many different ways to say that you hate your job that won’t put you on the HR hitlist.
Be the first one to praise your boss in the next meeting. Be the first one to loudly admonish anyone who arrives late in the office. Also, be the first one to take up a tough new project. You can always “delegate” later. Don’t panic.
Do what you’re good at and excel
Whether it’s making rangolis or another pointless PPT with 25 meaningless pages, find your thing. And when you find the thing you’re good at, don’t let anyone steal your thunder. So, if that intern is trying to steal your job by changing the font in your PPT, it’s time to kick them to another department. And if someone makes the same old, lame HR and rangoli jokes, leave a termination letter on their desk “by mistake” the next day.
Never demand a pay hike
Become a master of reimbursements instead and steal money from under their noses. It won’t be much in the beginning, but you’ll get better at it with practice. Remember, you don’t have to be sick to claim medical reimbursements. Hehehe. And when your boss mentions appraisals, just nod and say “jo aapki ichchha” like the good bachcha I trained you to be.
Be social with your team
Take them out for drinks once a month and get them drunk. Make sure they love you for your endless rounds of shots, but, of course, forget your wallet in the office. Win-win. Don’t do this more than once a month. The people in your team aren’t that stupid, you know.
Let them know you’re wanted
Sometimes, not too often but often enough for them to remember, pretend you’ve just got a call from the HR of another company. Make sure it is abundantly clear that you haven’t applied and they called you because of how amazing you are. Don’t go straight to your boss with a made-up offer, just ensure they hear you when you’re casually dismissing this “job offer” in front of a colleague.
Make time for family
Maintain an excel sheet of all relatives you’re willing to kill off. Keep striking them off to avoid repetitions. You don’t want to kill off an uncle in December 2022 and make him sick in February 2023.
Work smart, bachche, not hard. Let me know if these precious office tips helped save your job.
Related: How To Get Your Dream Job On LinkedIn: Aunty Eve’s Priceless Tips
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