Hello, bachche. Watching the Olympics? Trying to use your bed as a balance beam yet? Joined the gym to become a weightlifter? If you have, you’re doing it all wrong, bachche! Everyone around me is either getting inspired to be an athlete shathlete or giving gyaan on what our actual athletes should be doing. Very irritating it is, beta. So, I have devised a plan! As always hehehe.

Welcome to Aunty Eve’s How To Be An Olympian programme. Today, I will tell you everything you need to know about being a successful Olympian, so pay attention, okay? Okay.

First things first, get the proper wardrobe

You need bright colours, gemstones (see how amazing the gymnasts look), and gloves and armbands to make you look tough. We can’t have you competing in your torn home workout pyjamas. They are literally hanging on by a thread. And that’s not even because of all the “working out”. You know that.

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Choose your sport

Because one should lead by example, I’ll go first. I have chosen golgappa eating as my sport. Everyone here says that my skills are unmatched in this game. In fact, Mrs Duggal cancelled the golgappa stall at her daughter’s wedding because I was invited. Apparently, the cost of having me and golgappas was much more than my very generous shagan of 2100. Ridiculous, I tell you. Indians will never go beyond cricket. Such a shame. Anyway, I have written to the Olympic Committee to include golgappa eating in the 2024 Olympics. I have a good feeling about this, you know. Fingers crossed!

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Find a great coach

If your sport is completely new, you might have some difficulty in finding a coach. But if you’re choosing something popular, like golgappa eating, you’ll find yourself surrounded by coaches. I mean, almost all of Delhi is my coach. Such a smart choice I’ve made. So proud of myself right now.

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Train your ass off

Don’t mind my language, bachche, but one has to be harsh sometimes. That’s how coaches in the best sports movies get their breakthroughs. Learn something. Now, I practise every single day and I do better with each day. The local Haldiram’s keeps golgappas aside for me, you know. That’s called support! I’m now up to 20 golgappas in a single sitting and my aim is to go up to 200 at least. Mrs Duggal claims I broke my own record at her last kitty party but I think she was being mean about my dedication to the sport. She’ll know when I come back with a gold medal in 2024.

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Practise your podium face

You see, I’m certain of winning a medal when I enter the Olympics. I can guarantee that there is no one better than me in my sport. So, along with my three hours of training every day, I also spend five hours in front of the mirror. The podium face is super important because the world will be watching! You need to decide whether you will do a full smile with teeth, a sophisticated smile with no teeth, or a halfway smile with only front teeth. You will also need to watch your eyes and train your chin to point forward. All those golgappas shouldn’t show on my chin, bachche. Hehehehe.

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Well, that’s all you need to do, beta. Easy, no? I’ve started my training. I think you should too. If you want to be in the Indian Golgappa Team, please DM and I will tell you how to join.

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