All those Tumblr and Reddit quotes about the reality of marriage will make you laugh out loud, especially if you’re getting married or just got married. But let us tell you a few things about the actual reality of marriage. Sometimes, it’s not pretty. Sometimes, it literally stinks. Most brides know what they’re getting into. Social constructs and expectations don’t force men to hide their habits from the people they love. However, women must put up a persona of perfection, otherwise shaadi kaun karega? Don’t worry, we’re not going into serious territory here. But we’re here to help you, the groom, understand the reality of marriage.
It’s nowhere close to what movies would have you believe. It’s not even close to what you and your friends think marriage is all about. Grooms, please pay attention while we give you the most important lesson of your life. If you want to stay happily married, be prepared for these 9 things that WILL happen after the wedding.
1. Unshaven legs
Hell, yes. No busy girl has the time to constantly shave her legs. Or even keep checking her legs for hair. Grooms, please don’t turn your nose up at the sight (and feel) of prickly, hairy legs. It’s completely natural, just like the hair on your legs.
2. Drunken nights…without you
Every girl needs a session with her friends now and then. And you probably won’t be included. But don’t feel bad. Just as you need your boys’ nights, we need our girls’ nights. Please don’t expect your wife to include you in each and every plan with her friends. Let her go, let her drink, let her unwind. Just hold her hair back when she’s had a tad too much.
3. Crying for no apparent reason
Sometimes, it’s PMS. Sometimes, it’s just a really good Julia Roberts movie. But, sometimes, it’s more serious than that. The reason may seem non-existent to you, but there always is one. Just ask. But don’t push. Some people need time alone to gather their thoughts after a good cry.
4. Midnight binges
If you’re going to stay up till 12am, be prepared to see some serious midnight snacking. The fridge will be raided, packets will be ripped open, and handfuls of something delicious will be devoured in one sitting. Join in if you want, but don’t stop it. Never stop it.
5. Completely non-sexy nightwear
Sorry to burst your bubble here, but most women don’t sleep in lacy lingerie. We sleep in the most comfortable cotton pajamas or shorts. Your bride may sleep in something sexy for the first few nights after the wedding. After that, it’ll be something practical, comfortable, old and probably torn.
6. Shameless release of gases
Yes, women fart and burp. Like you do. Once we’re comfortable around you, we’ll even beat you in burping competitions. Please don’t be shocked by a toot or a burp. It’s not pretty, we know. But it is natural.
7. Unintentional, non-cute messy buns
Agreed, the messy bun is now a style statement of sorts. However, most messy buns, especially the ones you’ll see on your bride’s head early in the morning, are unintentional. Unlike what you see in movies, they’re not cute at all. These buns are just a raggedy ball of uncombed hair.
8. Tossed bras
As a man, you will never feel the joy of unhooking your bra at the end of a long day and tossing it across the room. We don’t care where it lands, we just care that the boobies are finally out of their cage. So, if you stumble upon a bra just lying around, laugh at it and throw it in the laundry basket.
9. Shoes…a lot of shoes
This does not mean you’ll see stilettos tossed stylishly in the corner of the room. This means you will have a new shoe rack in your house meant just for her and her shoes. From the highest of heels to running shoes, rubber chappals, and nauseatingly cute slippers, be prepared to see a range of shoes like never before. Because a girl needs her armour for every possible occasion. Please don’t use this to say something cliched like, “Don’t you have enough shoes?”
Brides, there’s no need to explain yourself to your groom. Just send him this link and make sure he reads it to understand the reality of marriage.