Happy Diwali, bachche! Why so sad? Stop staring at that gulab jamun and just eat it already. Looking at it won’t help with the most important problem of this week – gifting and re-gifting. Now that all traces of the gulab jamun are gone, bring out all those ugly Diwali gifts from last year and let’s put them to use. Because, bachche, you and I both know how much you have hated that vase since your bua gave it to you. Here’s a secret – she didn’t buy it either.
Some of you sent questions asking if me, your good old Aunty Eve, could help solve this re-gifting problem. Ab dekho ji, if the cheap, ugly thing you bought in 2015 makes its way back to you in 2020, it won’t feel very festive, na? So, here I am, to save you from your own self-made problems yet again. Ab chalo chalo, down to business. I have a lot of “gift” packing to do today. Hehe.
Aunty, I gave my SIL some really expensive makeup last year and I’m pretty sure the “amazing” eye shadow palette she’s given me this year for Diwali is THE SAME ONE. Should I confront her? Or should I be equally petty somehow?
No, no, no, beta. Don’t think such negative thoughts. Just forget about it and keep the peace. If you’re a saint. I wouldn’t if I were you. That kutti needs to be taught a lesson…or four. I mean, after such epic levels of badtameezi, she’s just brought it on herself. Also, don’t involve or tell your husband. Men are useless when it comes to intelligent vengeance. The next time she comes over to your place, have a “girls’ day” and tell her that you learnt a really cool makeup trick on YouTube and you need a “naturally beautiful face” to try it. Then, use the same eye shadow palette on her eyes. And do remember to tell her when you’re doing this. Whether she stops you or lets you have her way, it’ll be a super fun day for you. I’m waiting for all the deets.
Can we re-gift mithai or is that too cheap?
Why aren’t you eating the mithai? Is it just too much or are you one of those weird hippie types who don’t like the good things in life? Dekho, if it’s too much, sure, send it to me. If it has gone bad, re-gift it to people like Howdareshe’s SIL. But if it’s just five or six dabbas of some good old kaju katli, have a party by yourself! Look at me, I’m four boxes of soan papdi down and still raging for more!
My husband didn’t buy me any gold on Dhanteras. Does he still love me?
Uff, this is a serious problem, bachche. You should’ve Zoom-ed (is that what they call it) me for this. Did your husband ever love you? Has he ever bought you anything at all? Think about all the gifts he’s given you (I sincerely hope there are some) and calculate their collective value. If it’s equal to the current value of gold, give him another chance. I’m sorry, bachche, but marriage is all about compromise, haina? But…if the monetary value of all his gifts is even one rupee less than the current value of 1 kg gold, leave him. That cheapskate is not worth your time. Then come to me, I’ll find a nice (rich) Delhi boy for you.
I really need to get rid of the ugly vase my friend gave me this year. Aankhein jal rahi hain, aunty. I hate it so much that I need it to make its way back to her and hurt her eyes. Help me!
Okay, you need to be creative, beta. Re-gifting a vase in the same circle is tricky, and if it’s ugly enough to hurt your eyes, it will be memorable, to say the least. Find the most gullible friend in your circle and eliminate them from this ugly vase re-gifting plan. The gullible ones will get convinced it’s the best thing to happen to them and display it in the centre of their dining table. Now, find the most cunning one in your circle and gift it to her. Attach a note as a hint so that she knows what this gift means. Something like, “When (ugly vase friend) and I went shopping for you, she saw this, thought immediately of you, and told me to buy this for you as a token of my ‘love'”. Your friend will know what you mean if they’re cunning enough. And then just watch as the vase makes it way back to your friend with a similar note. Pretty soon, you’ll find it in their dustbin.
Okay, one last question and then I have to go look for wrapping paper from last year’s gifts.
Aunty, do you think Donald Trump still has a chance?
I know we’re talking about re-gifting, but re-gifting the White House would be too obvious, na? Also, watch the news sometimes. It helps when you’re prompted to ask a very busy woman a very stupid question.
Toodles now, kids. Enjoy your Diwali but stay inside your houses, please. I don’t want this corona shorona to go into next year, okay?
See you next week when you’re all bloated and gassy from your Diwali harkatein.