Chalo ji, finally, Anant Ambani and Radhika Merchant are now properly booked to be married. Because this was all “pre-wedding”, not the actual wedding. If you got fooled by the wedding-ness of the not-wedding, don’t worry, you’re not alone. I was also confused by the bridal walk for a second, but then I realised that an Ambani bahu would never be seen with itni little jewellery on her wedding day.

So then, I started thinking that the wedding–since it is the last Ambani wedding for a while–will be something you can’t even dream of. But I can. So, here’s what I think will happen at the actual wedding of Anant Ambani and Radhika Merchant.

All Bollywood stars will be bartenders

At Isha’s wedding, they were “ladkiwale“, so in the interest of keeping our patriarchal traditions alive, they served food to all the guests. You remember the visuals. Of course, you do. We all felt a little sadistic pleasure in that moment. Anyway, khaana toh ho gaya, and since we can’t repeat anything from a past Ambani wedding, this time, they should just go behind the bar. Har star apni ek signature cocktail banaayega. Aur main bhi line mein khadi ho jaungi for a Ranveer Sour.

Taylor Swift and Diljit together

We’ve had Beyonce, we’ve had Coldplay, we’ve had Maroon 5, and we’ve had Rihanna. Then we got Diljit also. BTS is on fauj duty like good Korean bachchas, I’m told. Whoever they call for the actual wedding now will feel like a follow-up act. UNLESS they get Taylor Swift and Diljit to perform together and create a whole new song. Just for the Ambanis. On the spot.

Anant and Radhika will take pheras on elephants

I know this sounds over the top even for the Ambanis, bachche. But this is the last Ambani to get married till the grandkids grow up and find the appropriate Gujarati loves of their lives. And since they’re both such animal lovers that they called Rihanna to Jamnagar, I’m guessing haathi toh honge at the main wedding.

Post-wedding festivities in space

Pre-wedding in jungle, wedding at home, and post-wedding in space. Can there be a more wholesome end to an Ambani wedding? Elon plan kar dega saara kuchh. All Nita ji needs to do is figure out the maximum weight of jewels she can bear because itne chhote emeralds nahi dikhenge in her custom-made Sabyasachi spacesuit.

Heeron ki baarish

No, no, I don’t mean just on people’s necks and hands. I mean diamond necklaces being thrown in the air in the baraat. Noton ki baarish is okay for plebs like you and me. But they’re the Ambanis, they do cashless transactions, okay? Aapki tarah 10 ke note nahi jamaa karke rakhte for such occasions.

Jeh putting words to his expressions

I think by July, this adorable little cutie will start talking back to the paps. And if the words match the expression, I can’t wait to hear this kid’s sass.

What do you want to see at the actual wedding, bachche?

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