Science has finally caught up with what every woman, female colleague, and exhausted girl-friend-who-is-just-a-friend has suspected for a while now: men have PMS. Not the hormonal kind — they could never. We’re talking about Performative Male Syndrome, a chronic, deeply public condition characterised by the relentless performance of values one does not actually hold, identities one has not actually earned, and emotions one is not actually feeling. All of it, delivered with extraordinary conviction and zero self-awareness.

A performative male is a man who performs liberalism rather than living it. He may not actually be progressive, protective, emotionally expressive or intellectually secure, but he makes sure he is seen as those things. Like a public relations exercise. Here are some symptoms of men suffering from PMS. So, the next time you recognise them, please run. 

Symptom 1: He reads the books

The clearest sign of PMS is a man who says, “Oh, I’m a feminist,” and that is his entire personality in front of women. 

He has read We Should All Be Feminists. Or he owns it, which he has decided is the same thing. He follows the right accounts, uses the word “patriarchy” correctly in a sentence, and looks around to make sure you noticed. He will, without invitation, inform you that he was raised by a strong woman — his mother, who, it must be noted, still does all the work for him. She’s a strong woman, after all. 

The PMS sufferer supports women’s rights where it costs him nothing: Instagram, online conversations with a woman he’s trying to impress, or any discussion dominated by women. However, his feminism dies a sad death the moment he is alone with the boys. He never calls out other guys over sexist jokes, except when a girl is around. He celebrates female ambition, provided it does not outshine his own. He also supports women’s independence, provided it does not disrupt his comfort. He is, in short, a feminist of extraordinarily fair weather.

Symptom 2: He keeps getting the empathy fever

A particularly advanced stage of PMS produces the Performative Empath, a man who has learned the vocabulary of emotional intelligence without acquiring any of the actual thing.

He will tell you he is “very in touch with his emotions.” What this means, in practice, is that his emotions are very much in touch with you. Because every time he reads a news report about rape, he’ll be too saddened over the demise of society, and you, as a woman, will be telling him it’s alright. He shares articles about emotional labour with the caption: “Important read. We need to do better.” And then spends the rest of the evening needing to be emotionally managed like a houseplant that just refuses to come back to life, no matter what. He believes in equal partnerships, the way your boss believes in work-life balance — only theoretically. 

Symptom 3: He’s caught a bad case of pseudo-intellectualism

PMS reaches peak form in any intellectual setting. Here, the sufferer experiences what can only be described as an Unsolicited Opinion Surge: an irresistible compulsion to hold forth, at length, on subjects he encountered last Tuesday. He will quote a female author to a woman who recommended that book to him six months ago. He will say ‘actually’ to an expert, ‘to be fair’ to someone sharing their lived experience, and ‘I think what she’s trying to say’ to a woman who was, in fact, saying it perfectly well herself.

In India, this symptom has a particularly rich habitat, like literary festivals, startup events, and any Twitter or Instagram spaces that have the word “conversation” in the title. Here, he is in his element of being seen as a good man. 

Symptom 4: He suffers from guilt performance

The advanced PMS sufferer has developed a very sophisticated alibi. The first is female friends. He has several, and he will mention them constantly, not because he values them, but because they function as a prop. “I have a lot of women in my life, and they have made me better,” he will say, but never mean.

The second is the guilt performance. He will acknowledge his privilege with misty eyes. It is an uncomfortable confession that leads to no change. The acknowledgement is the work, as far as he is concerned. He said it. It was uncomfortable. What more do you want?

The third, and most revealing, is the dating profile. He is looking for someone ‘ambitious and independent’ He has almost certainly written the word ‘sapiosexual’ at some point and has not yet been held accountable for it. And then the relationship begins, and the equal partnership turns out to mean she has a career and manages the home, he has a career and a girlfriend who manages the home.

What’s the cure?

Performative Male Syndrome has no known cure, but researchers, mostly women, fitting this in between their first and second jobs, have noted that awareness is the first step. Not his awareness. He is fine. Your awareness, specifically, of the gap between what he says and what he does, so you stop being surprised every time you fall into it.

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