Yes, bachche, you guessed it. I am the only person who rejected Alia and Ranbir’s invitation to their wedding. No, I didn’t ignore it. I sent my REJECTION. You know why? It was a SUMMER WEDDING. Who plans such an elaborate torture technique in 2022? I thought we were all supposed to be kinder to each other now. Summer weddings are not fun, bachche! And if you disagree, I challenge you to tell me why you think summer weddings should not be illegal.
Before you give your argument, let me tell you why Aunty Eve will never attend a summer wedding, not even the biggest celebrity wedding of the year.
Sweat stains on my expensive silk
Na, beta, na. I have done a lot of “wrong” things in my time but this crime, I cannot commit. My silks are too expensive to sully with my pit stains. And like everything else about me, my sweat is also more powerful than the average aunty. As soon as the sun comes out after February, my sweat glands decide it’s time to make history…yet again.
What did you say? Wear cotton? To a wedding? Beta, have you ever been to a wedding in Delhi? What are these crazy things you’re saying? Is it heatstroke?
My polki set does not let any hawa through
If you’re feeling the wind through your jewellery, it’s too light for a wedding, bachche. Respect the occasion. If you don’t try to look like you have more jewellery than the bride, why are you even at the wedding?
My polki set is so heavy that even if I sit in front of the AC at 16 degrees and maximum fan speed, it won’t make a difference. Uff, the burden of wealth is sometimes too much to bear.
A summer wedding means an indoor mehendi in the afternoon. The mehendi is one function when everyone gets at least 2-3 new DPs…but that’s only because of the sun. What is a bright CFL bulb in a banquet hall going to give you except temporary blindness? Nothing can replace nature, beta.
No fabulous angeethi glow
On that note, there are no angeethis in summer weddings for that “natural” glow at evening functions. Where do you stand and make conversation with the other judgemental relatives at a summer wedding when there are no angeethis? What do you talk about if you’re not freezing in your backless blouse? And how do I make rishtas when all the girls are busy fanning themselves in front of the AC and staying away from the boys who slowly become giant puddles of sweat?
What do you even eat at a summer wedding?
If someone fed me gajar ka halwa at a summer wedding, I might throw up on their Gucci shoes. And gulab jamuns ka toh naam hi mat lo. So, what wedding-appropriate dessert will I eat at a summer wedding? Ice cream? Ew. If your wedding dessert doesn’t have at least one tin of ghee in it, why are you even bothering with a buffet? Let people order from Zomato or Swiggy at your pheras.
All that wasted makeup
Do you know why Alia had a no-makeup look on her wedding day? Because all her makeup just melted off her face before she even made it to the mandap. And they got married on their balcony! Imagine the makeup artist’s level of heartbreak. And I haven’t bought boxes of firangi Fenty foundation to watch it being washed away by my very desi paseena.
You know, when I rejected Alia-Ranbir’s wedding invitation, I did feel bad. After all, they called me with such love. But when I saw the pictures of all her makeup gone, I knew I made the right choice. And they need to know na that Aunty Eve will not attend a summer baby shower. So now, they can start planning accordingly. My life’s goal is to help people live their best lives, you know.
Now that you know how Aunty Eve feels about summer weddings, plan your shaadi properly, bachche. Or I will REJECT it.