Before you come at me for being “too modern”, bachche, please understand that I don’t care. I was born “too modern” for my colony anyway. Imma cool aunty, okay? Not like the stuck-up, constipated homophobe you see powerwalking in circles in the park every evening.

Anyway, as you know, Aunty Eve is the most evolved aunty you will ever meet, so naturally, I have been following the same sex marriage case in court these days. And bachche ji, I am toh not understanding only why it’s taking so long to decide on such a basic matter. Of course, we should have same sex marriage in India! They will probably save us and the world. Here’s why.

An entire genre of cringe content will die

You know those reels where men tie a towel on their heads or wear a stupid wig and pretend to be women but still don’t make any effort to figure out why women act the way they do? Yes, that. If same sex marriages become normal and common, I hope they outnumber hetero marriages so that this genre can just die. It will save thousands of people from injuries caused by rolling their eyes too hard.

So economical and planet-friendly

If it is same-same sexes living together, they can just share each other’s products. Or even if they have different skincare products, they can at least share the basics like body wash. Money saved! And if you do run out of something, you can at least use your partner’s shampoo or conditioner in an emergency and not feel like you’ve used bartan soap on your mulaayam hair.

Gender roles will be impossible to maintain

Obviously. If two women get married and neither one of them works, ghar kaise chalega? And if two men get married and neither one of them cooks or cleans, same problem, haina? There is no scope only for sexist gender roles in same sex marriages. And that, bachche, is a major win.

Children will be happier

Kids are less likely to have resentful parents who had to stay in the closet because log kya kahenge. People who don’t have to marry against their will are generally happier and make better parents. You know, common sense. And if you’re worried about what kids will have to go through in school with two papas or two mummies, aisa toh hai nahi that children of hetero couples don’t get bullied in school. Bullies are bullies only, all to be handled the same way.

Bete ke saath damaad free, beti ke saath bahu free

If you were so proud of birthing a son but feel devastated now that he’s bringing a damaad, sambhaalo yourself, my elder bachchas. Your bete ki khushi should be double now. Two betas for the birth of one! And if your beti is bringing a bahu, that’s even better. Because, let’s be honest, no one really wants or likes their superiority complex ki dukaan aka damaad.

Indian Matchmaking will be so much more fun

Sima Aunty’s arranged marriage business will go off the charts! Imagine boys and girls having access to all boys and all girls in her database. Maybe Rushali could’ve found a dream bahu for her parents. Or maybe Vikash’s Hindi-speaking-but-not-Indian-accented dream is waiting in the boys’ database. The world will be a happier place, anyway, if more desi men just married each other and left us women alone.

The big, fat Indian wedding can be re-written

With happier customs instead of sexist rituals that make people cry! No gender superiority to demand dowry. No more feet-washing because a boy has made the ultimate sacrifice of marrying a girl. No more kanyadaan, because how will anyone decide which kanya is to be given in daan? Imagine if our weddings were only about joy without all this drama. Such a nice world to live in, haina? Then I will also start my own matchmaking business and give Sima some tough competition.

I think I should volunteer to be one of the lawyers on the same sex marriage case. It’ll be great PR for my matchmaking business.

Related: Aunty Eve Takes Down Homophobia: 8 Responses To Shut Those Evil Mouths For Good

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