We’ve all heard jokes about how quarantining with family was going to be like living in the Bigg Boss House. We just didn’t know how real it would get. Of course, the tons of money in this Bigg Boss is as fictitious as the pot of gold at the end of this infinite rainbow. This dark, dark anti-rainbow of rainbows!

Since we’re all hearing Atul Kumar’s voice (who is, in every sense, BIGG BOSS) everywhere at this point anyway, possibly because we are losing our minds, I thought we may as well find more similarities between Bigg Boss and our lives.

So, here are your family members as contestants of your quarantine hell – er – Bigg Boss house.

The Shilpa Shetty

They are meditating, doing yoga, giving you health and exercise tips, and definitely offering you a step-by-step action plan of how you can get in shape “JUST LIKE ME!” These tips will, without a doubt, come when you don’t ask for them. Expect these housemates to eye the Hide ‘n’ Seek biscuits you’re downing while they sip their 10th green tea of the day.

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The Rakhi Sawant

They’re an absolute hot mess. From their Instagram stories about their every move (from the left side of the bed to the right side of the bed), to their “sabne chitting kiya hai” when someone talks about lockdown extending, you aren’t sure if you love the entertainment or want to lock them in a closet forever.

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The Rashmi Desai

They’re staying in their own lane, cooking, and feeding you all the good stuff. Overall, they are just a shining beacon of joy in your life right now. Because, let’s face it, the highlight of your day is definitely stuffing your face with the goodness they concoct.

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The Shehnaz Gill

Saw a funny joke? THEY SAW IT FIRST ON WHATSAPP. Hear someone watching those Tik-Tok videos with that “NO-NO-NO-NO-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA” background sound at full volume on their phone? You know who I’m talking about. Everywhere you go, you can hear echoes of their laughter along with the dhik-chik-dhik-chik on their phone. They might have a pair of headphones, but do yourself a favour and stop expecting them to use them.

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The Pooja Misrra

Sugar, spice, and nothing nice – they cause drama everywhere they go. A quivering mass of rage and stress hormones, ask them to help you out with something at your own peril. DO NOT – we repeat – DO NOT under any circumstances play Monopoly with them – don’t ask for it. Don’t die for it. Approach them with caution, do not make any sudden movements or loud sounds. All the best.

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The Sidharth Shukla

That’s it. That was it. They have been absorbed by their computers and now exist as part of the Matrix. All that remains of them is a headset and a small pile of crumb-covered clothes. They’ve also spent the whole lockdown in two pairs of shorts and three t-shirts.

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If you read this, laughed a little, and thought, “Well, I see resemblance in all of them except for one”, we have some bad news, kids. It’s you. You’re the last one. Have fun with that knowledge!