People joke about their partners all the time, especially among friends who know the couple well. Sab haste hain, sab relate karte hain. It’s normal. What’s not normal is jokes that hurt the person you’re supposed to love. Ek baar galti se ho jaaye, theek hai. You apologise and never repeat it. But if you crack the same kind of “jokes” that your partner has said they don’t like, phir woh joke toh hui nahi na, woh toh insult hui. And ek baar yeh insulting humour shuru ho jaaye, toh isko rokna bohot zaroori hai, bachche. Because your resentment will keep building until the day you explode. Aur aapko abhi bata doon, princesses ko jail suit nahi karta. So, before you get angry enough to scare a serial killer, stop your partner’s hurtful “jokes” with these tips. They never fail.

Shout “Matlab?” loud enough to drown out the khi-khi-khi

Jaise hi joke khatam ho, shout “Matlab?” in your loudest, most annoying voice. So that no one in the room can ignore it. Chaahe woh explain karey na karey, the laughs will die. Nothing kills a joke faster, trust me. And if your partner is completely tone-deaf and actually starts explaining the joke, you can just sit back and watch their standup comic persona implode. People can laugh at a stupid joke, but they never want to hear it explained.

Show serious concern: “Pata nahi kaisi behki-behki baatein nikal rahi hain?”

This will need some acting talent, bachche. Jo, I have realised, sabke paas hota hai when it suits them. As soon as the punchline lands, touch your partner’s forehead and activate your worried face. Say things like, “This isn’t normal, something is wrong” or “Kuchh ajeeb nahi lag raha? Open your mouth, let me see your eyes.” No one may believe you, but if you have the same reaction to all their “jokes”, they will stop just to stop you.

Count the “jokes”

Wear Anushka-Virat’s famous ring. But instead of counting prayers (don’t @ me if I’m wrong here), use it to count the number of times your partner cracks a “joke” at your expense. In public. When they ask what you’re doing, seedha sach bolna. The follow-up will most likely be, “Paagal ho kya? Why are you doing this?” Just smile and stay quiet. Samajhdaar ko ishaara kaafi hai.

Laugh your wildest hyena laugh at each “joke”

When you can’t stop them, join in. Hard. Jab sab hass rahein ho, and you feel like crying, channel your emotions into producing the shriekiest laugh. Matlab khud ko bhi thoda darr lagna chahiye at the sound you make. For added effect, you can also continue laughing long after everyone else has stopped. Let them stare at you. Maybe a few of those “friends” will remember this moment in the future and stop jokes in their tracks when you’re around.

Make them repeat the “joke” so you can record it

This works really well if you’re married because iss mein in-laws ka supporting role hai. Whether you get along with your in-laws or not, you can always use them here. When your partner starts “joking” again, make them repeat it so that you can record it and send it to your partner’s parents. Just say, “I’ll send this to Mummyji, kitni proud hongi woh ki unka bachcha kitna smart hai.” Phir dekhna, how fast the room goes silent.

For more tips and tricks, follow Aunty Eve on Instagram.

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