OMG, bachche! Is this how it’s going to be? Is this how I’m meant to spend the bulk of 2022? Sweating, baking, watching the sun add years to my face? I’m too young for this! You know what I’m talking about. This horrifying 40-degree weather that has come out of nowhere to RUIN MY LIFE. And it is just April! My poor AC just about got serviced when it had to start working overtime. No breaks for the most precious thing in my life. No, your uncle comes nowhere near the importance my AC enjoys in my life.
Anyway, since the torture the climate is inflicting upon me is just getting worse, I thought of asking my friends on Instagram for some much-needed advice. But, as usual, I have to give them advice and get them back on track. These are the “tips” I got when I asked for help on how to deal with the heatwave. Don’t worry, I’ve given all these tips an Aunty Eve twist to make them viable.
“Soak your hanky in cold water and keep it on the back of your neck”
And look so obviously pleb? What sort of solution is this? Is the hanky Gucci? Is it at least Ralph Lauren? No? Then why would I wrap it around my neck? No amount of cold water can make a regular white hanky chic, bachche. And if I am not chic, how will I ever be at peace? I might as well make friends with the sun.
Instead of this, just wrap a lovely LV scarf around you. All the money you spend on it will scare your pores into never sweating again.
“Eat rabdi and drink milkshakes with crushed ice”
This is such an obvious attempt at sabotaging Aunty Eve that I have to laugh. You just can’t wait to see my waistline expand, haina? Evil. You think I can spend another precious minute in the gym trying to keep my extremely hot, curvy body in shape? No way, bachche.
As a counter to this ridiculous plan, I suggest you eat ice. Only ice.
“Regular ice water facial dip and aloe vera gel”
Oh, this sounds super relaxing, beta. But aloe vera gel? On my luxury-addicted skin? It’s too harsh for me, you know. So, I changed this plan a bit. Add a bit of vodka and lemon to the iced water and gulp it down. Repeatedly. Throughout the day. I’ve been doing this all day today, and I have to say, bachche, I don’t feel a thing now. Hehehehe.
In case you hadn’t noticed, I have one on all the time. And it’s doing nothing to keep me cool. If you must put a face mask on, slap on something from Dior and sit in front of your AC, bachche.
“Drinking lots of water”
Just…water? Still or sparkling? Tap (ew) or mineral? Beta ji, one needs to be specific when figuring out how to deal with the heatwave. It is a serious issue. So, please don’t give suggestions like ‘drink water’.
Instead, drink lots of flavoured water, detox water, and water that will make your Instagram feed look like it belongs in Hollywood.
“Wear loooose cottons”
And looooose my entire body shape? No, beta, no. Don’t forget, you must look like fire while trying to stay ice cold. Cotton kurtas will hide my child-bearing hips and we can’t afford to deprive the world of those. It’s a social service for me to wear tight clothes all year long.
Instead of loose cottons, just wear nothing and stay home. Why even bother with clothes that hide your gorgeousness?
“Work and feel the heatwave because there is no other option”
This is best. Give up trying to beat the heat, bachche. Or make the ultimate move against the Indian summer and move to Canada.
Stay cool and calm with these tips on how to deal with the heatwave, beta ji. Don’t worry, it’s only another six months.
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