Beta ji, I hate people who shame others for no good reason. Matlab why should I tolerate your nazar on my biryani just because my belly decided to be free and jiggly today? Same goes for people who think a girl’s skin tone is their seven generations ka family business. I have never understood dark skin shaming, bachche. Why do some uncles and aunties have such a problem with skin that isn’t fair? I mean, I get it if they sell fairness creams. Everyone tries to market their products after all, no matter how terrible they may be. But if you are making no profit from this, why spend so much time and energy on dark skin shaming?

Anyway, you know how much I love all my bachchas and will do anything to protect them from buri nazar. So, all my gorgeous saanvlis, here’s how you can seal the nasty mouths of dark skin shamers for good.

Shamer: “Use fairness creams day and night”

Saanvli queen: But how to afford so much good cream, aunty/uncle? Can you lend me money for a year’s supply of fairness creams? It’s only five figures for the really good, imported one. I accept bank transfer or cheque only, please. Can’t finance white skin with black money, no? It’s the biggest apshagun.

Shamer: “Bleach your face, scrub it with aloo and tamaatar, put a besan and haldi mask”

Saanvli cutie: Just because you ugalo zehar on a regular basis, it doesn’t mean I scoop it all up and put it on my face. Because this sounds like more of a recipe for poison pakoras than a skin treatment.

Shamer: “Oh no, dark girls don’t get rishtas”

Saanvli sista: Oh no, whatever will I do if I can’t adhere to a senseless beauty standard set by resentful mummies and daddies who want nothing more than a baby-producing machine to take care of their man-child? How will I LIVE?

*run away crying at this point to really sell the performance

Shamer: “Don’t drink so much chai-coffee, it’ll make you darker”

Saanvli bomb: How else will I stay awake through endless conversations with you? Every brown girl needs her chai-coffee, aunty/uncle. In fact, the browner we are, the stronger our beverage needs to be. Lohey ko loha hi todta hai. Didn’t you get that WhatsApp forward?

Shamer: “She doesn’t look like she’s part of the same family”

Saanvli boss: Hmmm, a valid concern. By the way, have you noticed how your son’s nose is different from his father’s? His skin tone is also slightly lighter than his mom’s, no? I’m just saying maybe you should fix these issues so that society doesn’t ask questions. After all, every member of a family should look the same.

Shamer: “Her sister/friend is so much prettier. Gori hai na”

Saanvli flower: Yes, she’s stunning but she has a lot more going for her than her skin tone. In fact, her skin tone says absolutely nothing about her. Commenting on it, however, says a lot about you.

Shamer: “Don’t go out in the sun! You don’t need more tanning”

Saanvli bish: And you please don’t go out only. No one “needs” tanning, not even the whitest girl out there. But most people need some time in the sun for their physical and mental health. Or do you want me to get sick and sad? Do you? Do you really value the colour of my skin over my health?

*stare so hard that it pierces their evil soul. For dramatic effect, tilt your head ever so slightly while maintaining the stare.

Shamer: “How dark will her kids be?”

Saanvli star: Oh ho. Someone’s trying super hard to become part of Charles and Camilla’s inner circle! But no matter how much you try ji, no one’s calling you for the coronation. So, maybe stop trying to guess the skin tone of a yet-to-be-born child. There are many more important things to focus on, like did something happen to make you so nasty or were you born with it?

Bachche ji, tell me in the comments how you put down dark skin shaming. Aunty Eve loves a sassy queen.

GIFs Source

Related: Aunty Eve Takes On Body Shamers: 7 Responses To Shut Them Up For Good