So, I’ve had a busy week. Apart from solving the issues of my RWA and Ludhiana wali bua, I have also been keeping track of something super important. If you thought the world was a mess this year, have a look at Bigg Boss 14. All pandemics and climate change fall short when challenged by the BB house. This should be the world’s biggest problem right now. And I’m not even talking about the tacky décor! Ugh.

I saw what was happening on TV every night and for the sake of my ears, I decided to do something about it. I spoke to Salman and, because he’s a bit smitten (rejected his rishta a few times hehe), we made a plan. I am now in the Bigg Boss house! And I will fix this nonsense from the inside. Obviously, they don’t know the stunning, fabulous Aunty Eve is here. I have my own luxury room with wi-fi, bottomless biryani, sheet masks, wine et cetera. And I can see and hear everything, so I know just what the game is this year. That’s why I thought of asking you all what you want to know about Bigg Boss 14 and its ugh state of affairs.

Why do they shout SO MUCH?

– Myearshurt

Dear Myearshurt,

I followed Siddharth Shukla around for a bit, then I followed Nikki Tamboli and Rubina too. While I was watching them (with my hands on my ears), I heard an EXPLOSION! I ran to the other end of the house in my Manolos and what do I see? Gauahar was, once again, trying to get people to follow rules, but no one was listening to her. So, I sat down on my fur bed, took a nap, put on my thinking stilettos, and realised the problem. They’re shouting for help! All of the contestants are collectively losing their sanity and screaming for someone to save them. So, the next time you see the Bigg Boss contestants losing control of their vocals, be a good person and run to them, Myearshurt! I’m not nice enough to do it, but you must.

via GIPHY

Tell me about the wild card entries in the Bigg Boss house

– Wildbuttame  

Dear Wildbuttame,

Tut tut tut! Is someone trying to get a foot in the door, hmmm? But, bachche, this is not how it works. Wild card nahi, ace card bano! Wild card entries are so ew. Here’s what you should do if you really want to be a Bigg Boss star – gargle with warm water every morning to strengthen your throat, do the pranayama, go outside and push people around randomly, practise the hands-behind-back-spit-on-face stance (must show abs here), and tell your parents you’re not going to do chores anymore. Make sure you wake up every morning with nude makeup on your face and your hair tossed to the side in the perfect bedhead look. Once you’re homeless, just walk into the Bigg Boss house (that is their casting strategy, isn’t it?) and you’ll be a BB star in no time!

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Are Pavitra and Eijaz a thing? 

– Iluvluvstorys

Dear Iluvluvstorys,

Sorry to disappoint, bachche, but not yet. I’ve been spying on them at night too for under-quilt action in the secret room, nothing so far though. There is no Bollywood style, love-hate rom-com brewing here. But even if they do hook up, my dear love deprived child, don’t flood your Instagram stories with their pictures and #couplegoals please. From what I have seen, this would be a toxic relationship at best. Please go find your “luv storys” on Twitter or something. Take an online spelling course while you’re at it, bachche. This is not a good look for south Delhi.

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Okay, loves. Now I’m tired. Settling down with a cocktail and binoculars to watch the needless drama unfold in the Bigg Boss 14 house. See you next week! Hopefully, I’ll be out of this ugly jungle by then.

Related: Living The Bigg Boss Life: Who’s Your Quarantine Bigg Boss Housemate?