Okay, beta ji, let’s do a little math here:
70 divided by 7 = 10.
70 divided by 6 = 11.6, round it off to 12.
70 divided by 5 = 14.
So, if my dear bachchas are to work five days a week, they will work 14 hours a day. And if my dear bachchas are to work six days a week, they will work 12 hours a day. But if we take away all Sundays also, since that’s where we seem to be headed, my bachchas will work 10 hours a day, every day. Sounds all adulty and serious and wow…until you realise that a day still has 24 hours only. That does not change with any corporate uncle math, does it?
Chalo, let’s assume that most bachchas go to office five days a week. Which means 14-hour workdays. We now have 10 hours, out of which all bachchas are supposed to sleep a minimum of six hours. Now, we have four hours left in the day, out of which we spend one hour in traffic in the morning and one hour in traffic in the evening (that is, if they let you go home in the evening). Bachey two hours.
I know this sounds dreadful, but we can make it work, bachche. Yes, we can. And we must. After all, a 70-hour work week is what India needs to progress. Not a healthy, happy population. Tauba, tauba. Here’s what every company following this corporate uncle math needs to do to make sure bachchas don’t even think of leaving the office.
Plan a ‘Take your chores to work’ day
All this bartan, laundry, grocery shopping etc takes too much valuable time away from nation-building. So that our progressing economy doesn’t come to a grinding halt with the clang-clang of bartan washing, plan a ‘take your chores to work’ day once a week. All companies need to do is install washing machines and basins at all workstations. But, employees should get their own soap, scrubber, iron, and foldable ironing boards. There’s no need to spoil them, you know.
Make healthy meals a KRA
If you call it “encouraging you to eat healthy”, no one will even notice your email. But if you make meal prep a KRA and base your employee’s appraisal on the healthiness of their meals, boss bachche, you will have the most clean-eating workforce out there. Make burgers, pizzas, rolls, biryanis, fries, and all that, punishable if ordered more than once a week. Cannot have clogged arteries coming in the way of nation-building.
Mandatory home cleaning services
No one can take time off to do jhaadu-pocha. Make an efficient didi a mandatory office requirement. In fact, take it one step further and send the didi yourself. Make the didi report on employees for the two hours that they’re awake and not working. All didis are to spend no less than two hours in each home. We cannot risk leaving nation-builders unsupervised when they’re not logged in.
Schools and offices should be in the same building
It is such a waste of time taking children to school, boss bachche. But there is a simple solution to this. Shift all schools to your office building and give 0.5% discount to all employees on school fees, as an incentive. The school timings can match office timings, making it super convenient for all bachchas with bachchas. As it is, kids don’t need to play outside these days. Just make them a play area with a green carpet and glass windows, maybe a conference room where they can practise being nation-builders one day.
Offer helicopter pick-up and drop
See, boss bachche, employees will have to go home for a few minutes every other day, no matter how amazing the office is. And when they do, offer a chopper pick-up and drop for them from the chhat of their apartment building to the office. Traffic just kills nation-building spirit, you know. But to make it worthwhile for the company also, offer this pick-up and drop service at a cost 150% higher than the actual price. And then penalise employees who don’t use it. Win-win situation, bachche.
Make a vacation room
No matter how much you try, boss bachche, employees tend to get a little ungrateful sometimes and demand leave. Even if you take care of everything in their lives, they still want to “take time off” and “go on vacation”. Ridiculous, I know, but what to do. So, to reduce the number of these useless vacation requests, make a vacation room with different settings. For example, if someone comes to you with a leave request to go to Italy, send them to this room and switch on Italy settings. Order a pizza, put on Italian music, and give them apple juice in a wine glass. Ho gaya Italy. Same for other places also. Do this and see how leave requests go down drastically.
It’s not easy, boss bachche, but you must do these things to build the nation. Because letting your employees rest is not an option when our economy is at work.