How’s that new year, new me vibe going so far? I knew you wouldn’t be able to keep up with your resolutions. So, read the horoscope for this week and make some new ones.
1. Aries (March 21 – April 19)
If I know you well, which I think I do, I need you to stop biting your nails as soon as you read this. It is a disgusting habit that you definitely should throw out of the window like your ex’s love letters. Also, I remember mentioning something about robbing your parents blind. Looks like someone has still been crying over that expensive Zara coat. You deserve it, dear Aries. Get it! Splurge on yourself because that is the only source of happiness I can see for you this week…so far. If your stars are lucky, you might get a replica on Myntra. Be wise and get two coats for the cost of one. The more the merrier!
AAE Pro Tip: Have you learnt nothing in 2020? Touching your face all the time is disgusting, so just stop FFS!
2. Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The horoscope this week tells me someone is having a fun time. Well, you better enjoy it while it lasts, before your inner introvert starts screaming and you self isolate again. This year is all about making new friends, meeting old ones at least once in three months, and making your comeback on social media platforms. Let 2021 be the year in which you get out of hibernation mode and stay out of it for a while. And out of everybody, you should definitely stick to the classic new year, new me resolution. Because your previous version is quite obsolete and cannot stand the upcoming challenges (your friends are going to pester you to meet every week).
AAE Pro Tip: If you are to adjust to this new seeing-people-every-week stuff, you might need some tutorials first. Call a Cancer friend, they are the experts.
3. Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
It’s just the second week of the new year and I already see a great improvement in your otherwise mean behaviour, Gemini. Good work on your part, but I hope this is not another one of your schemes. And honestly, you could actually do well here because, admit it, you like being a good person. And more than that, you like the attention people give you because you play the part so well. So, shed that snakeskin and be the real deal as the horoscope this week asks you to. And trust me, if you keep at it, you might as well get some physical form of love and appreciation (wink, wink)!
AAE Pro Tip: Invite your friends over for lunch and cook for them. It will be hard to believe for your friends, but all those Instagram stories will be enough validation for you.
4. Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
People might say curiosity killed the cat, but in your case, curiosity is getting the better of you. Stay curious because there is a lot of drama unfolding in the coming week. And I mean full-blown scandals and Keeping Up With The Kardashians level drama! Get your pen and paper because you don’t want to miss out on any of the spicy details. Get to know all of your friend’s secrets because it is always better to have a little stash of something on them, just in case. And no, this is not bad behaviour or ethically wrong. Sometimes, abusing your position is good and, quite frankly, fun.
AAE Pro Tip: A Taurus friend needs some tutorials on how to be social. Let your expertise shine through.
5. Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The horoscope for this week tells me that you’re in trouble with your boo. You may need to make a little extra effort to get back on their good side. And something tells me that your bae will be in the right mood and you might be able to sneak a little sexy time if everything goes well. Also, send them a snap with your apron and fake cooking because that will help you in winning them back. In case things do lead to dinner, use your Masterchef skills and cook up something amazing. Yes, skip Maggi if you actually want to get laid.
AAE Pro Tip: Clean your room, finding dirty undies under your pillow in the middle of things isn’t exactly a turn on.
6. Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Ever since you got done with your boss, you have started acting like one. And no, I don’t mean handling your tasks and acing your job, I mean ordering your siblings around. How tough is it to pick up the glass from the bedside and keep it in the kitchen? Or even throw that empty nachos bag and clear the crumbs off the bed? Stop being disgusting, get out of bed, and go out for a walk. The weather is pretty chill unlike your behaviour this week. I suggest a little Ludo to let off some steam. An intense match is all you need per the horoscope this week.
AAE Pro Tip: Get the magnetic Ludo board, so no one cheats and spoils the game.
7. Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Dear Libra, this all-work-no-play life is really messing up your emotional state. Shut that laptop, put your feet up, and grab some beer. The horoscope this week asks you to take a break from work and stir up some fun. So, whether it is date night with bae or a little bonfire session with your siblings on the terrace, spend some time with your lovelies. And while you are at it, Google some ghost stories because honestly, a good horror story adds all the fun to a bonfire night. With the weather so chilly, some more chills will do no harm. Also, this is the right time to take revenge on your siblings and spook them with some pranks.
AAE Pro Tip: Adding a little toothpaste instead of whipped cream on hot chocolate is a very harmless prank that you should try on your siblings.
8. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Looks like partying is the only thing on someone’s mind this week. Good for you, Scorpio. I love how you always find the right balance between work and play. But this week, you need a little more than just these two. A little birdie tells me that you should check up on your close friends as they might be feeling a little blue. And I trust that you can make them as cheery as you. So, gear up on emotional support because you will be expected to be available in a lot of situations. A little Scorpio cheer goes a long way, so wear your hat and spread the cheer, Santa!
AAE Pro Tip: As much your friend appreciates your emotional support, they also appreciate some chicken wings, so be a good friend.
9. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
I don’t know about others, but you’re owning Capricorn season! I love this ‘I take my job seriously’ look on you. And the horoscope this week tells me that there are rewards to your actions, so be ready to receive some GPay scratch cards from your boss. And you better save them since every single penny counts in buying your dream car. While you might be able to afford just the toy cars currently, if you keep up at the good work, you might get paid enough to get some hot wheels. So, keep up the spirit and don’t be disheartened because I see better things coming your way. Yes, your mummy is making butter naan with butter chicken.
AAE Pro Tip: Print some posters of famous rich people like Bill Gates and put them up in your room. That is enough motivation for you.
10. Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
How’s the birthday season treating you, dear Capricorn? I know birthday festivities might be a little lowkey this year, but your presents will make up for it. I hope you sent a list to all your friends, individually. Now just sit back, eat the cake in your velvet night suit, and enjoy the love and expensive gifts pouring in. I mean, tell me a better birthday plan than sitting in bed in pajamas and being treated like an absolute boss? I know a little wine and party wouldn’t kill anyone, but maybe a delayed scene would be wiser at the moment, dear Cap. So, don’t dampen the birthday mood, and start planning your outfit for the delayed bash.
AAE Pro Tip: Gift yourself something practical this year. Pajamas and a pair of new slippers will do.
11. Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Dear Aquarius, I really don’t mean to pry or be rude, but I think it is time to let go. Hoarding that last slice of pizza from yesterday’s lunch isn’t going to be healthy, just like trying to save a relationship that has gone downhill. And trying to salvage any of the two makes them tasteless and cold. Mark my wise words and pick your challenges carefully. Keep only the things that go with the flow. But don’t turn into a bully after this, and please throw away that pizza.
AAE Pro Tip: Stop overthinking, KFC offers a 12-piece chicken bucket for ₹500 on Wednesdays. Eat your sorrows away.
12. Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The horoscope this week tells me that you are in dire need of a break. You have been overworking, under sleeping, and living like a zombie. It is just the second week of January, the whole year is ahead of you. I understand your passion for productivity this time of the year, but slow down a little maybe? All these extra hours will not let you last even till February. And everyone knows that slow and steady wins the race. Or at least they get more time to chill and put a face pack on. And maybe that is the energy you should be approaching this year with. Chill the fuck out, put a face mask, and have some wine.
AAE Pro Tip: Get some fruits and make a batch of Sangria because if you are going to chill, you better do it the right way.
Hope y’all have an eventful week ahead!