Hi, my precious bachchas! How are you? Did you have a raging party on New Year’s Eve or did you have Covid? Because it seems like these were the only two options you had, bachche. When the time came to book tickets for Goa and all those maskless concerts, you completely forgot the word ‘pandemic’, no? Koi na, let’s hope that the THIRD YEAR of Covid will hammer some sense into your brain. That is the number one priority on my amazing, world-changing task list for 2022. I’ve bought a hammer too. Game toh bana hi diya hai aapne, I might as well become the superhero the world needs. Sigh. What would you do without me? I shudder to even think of the answer.
Anyway, apart from this very crucial, humongous (yes, I know the spelling!) task, I have other things on my list too that need my urgent attention. Here they are.
Alia-Ranbir ki shaadi karaani hai
Alia, Ranbir, if you’re reading this (of course you are, everyone does), bas karo ab. The suspense is too much now. Buy your Sabyasachi outfits, book your palace, threaten the paps, and just do it. Because if you don’t get down to it, I will have to step in. And when I step in, the shaadi will not be “intimate” anymore. All my friends will come because they are nosy and know about everything I do. So, if you don’t want our dear Mrs Duggal to perform her “famous” gidda, please just get married on your own.
Make my own personalised variant
Once Alia and Ranbir are married (can’t ruin their moment), I have big plans for my own line of variants. All this Alpha, Delta, Omicron nonsense is boring me. If I have to live with Covid around me, I am going to make my own variant, personalised to my taste (pun fully intended). And I’m already working on it! Watch out, bachchas. My variant line launches in March 2022. Can’t wait!
Learn how to not pay taxes like Bezos
Yes, he made Amazon and everything. But I think his single greatest achievement is the ability to not pay taxes. Bhaisaab ne toh NPS bhi nahi liya hua. Even then, he manages to get all exemptions. So, in 2022, I will take personal lessons from the master on how to not pay taxes because I think I’ve paid enough, bachche. It’s someone else’s turn to cry during ITR season now.
Make enough money to buy my neighbour’s house
These absolute little shits had a party last week! And when I questioned it, they laughed at me and said, “Arre, aunty. If you’re scared, you don’t come na. Let us party in peace.” Now, they’re all barricaded inside because someone got them Omicron as a gift. So, as revenge, I’m going to buy their house and have them evicted. As soon as I make that much money. My fundraiser is open now, bachchas. Donate generously to help your Aunty Eve live peacefully and extend her garden.
Become a world-famous artist
You know how talented I am, child. It’s such a waste of this amazing talent that I don’t show it to the world. So, I have decided that I will now start creating and selling my work. You know, this whole NFT thing? I will NFT-ise all my gorgeous paintings and sell them online. Maybe Bezos will tell me how to do this properly.
Destroy Bigg Boss
By winning the next five seasons! I know I’m super interesting to watch but maybe after seeing the same person win five years in a row, people will stop watching. And this torture will finally come to an end. Yes, I know people can’t win five years in a row, but if Vikas Gupta can show up in every season, why can’t I win every season? This should be on everyone’s task list for 2022.
Work out and become strong enough to slap close talkers
Goa must’ve felt amazing on New Year’s Eve with all that chipak chipak ke dancing with strangers. But I am in training to create my own paanch kilo ka haath. The next time you come close to talk to me and remove your mask because (apparently) they are sound-proof, I will use my newfound strength. Hehe.
I’m only telling you about my task list for 2022, bachche, because I am now hiring assistant superheroes. Must have own cape.
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