I hate this word ‘superwoman’. It’s the biggest scam in urban India these days. “Haye, look at her, she does everything and choo bhi nahi karti”. “Oh, my wife cooks and manages the house so well, even with a full-time job. We can’t function without her, you know.” Are you a toddler?

Listen to this story and tell me how much it infuriates you. Because mera toh khoon khaul gaya!

 

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Here is how to deal with a husband who does nothing except bark or whine.

Turn the weaponised incompetence around

How many times have you heard “mujhe nahi aata yeh sab, you do it so well anyway”? Or how many times have you had to re-do a basic task at home, like washing the dishes, because your otherwise capable husband just couldn’t see the spots of dal on the plate? This is called weaponised incompetence. And it is one of the most widely used manipulation tactics by desi men to make the women at home handle everything.

Housework needs to be done, and these toddler-men know that if they wait or whine long enough, the wife or mother will just do what needs to be done. So, why can’t women do the same thing? You turn the tables and start whining and waiting for him to do everything. I know the urge to just get it over with is strong with you ladies when it comes to housework. But this attitude will make sure you never get a moment’s peace in life. Weaponise your own “incompetence” and just stop doing things.

When he says, “Guests aa rahe hain, can you cook something nice?” you say, “Oh, but I cook so badly. Why do you want to embarrass yourself? Pyaaz kaise kaatte hain? Does aloo really need to be boiled? Where do we keep the aata? Can you check if this is sugar or salt? Uff, it’s so hot in the kitchen.”

When he says, “You have to take mummy to the doctor” and resumes scrolling on his phone, you ask a million inane questions and make him repeat everything till he gives up. “Which doctor? Why? Can’t you take her? Wait, what happened? I zoned out. Wait, which doctor? Where is this doctor? Where is the parking in this hospital? How do I pay? Wait, which doctor?” You get the gist.

If you’ve been wondering how to deal with a husband who does nothing, this is one of the best ways.

Make him call you mummy

You fulfil the job description, so you might as well get the title too. And if it grosses him out, tell him why. You do everything for him, from washing his chaddis to making sure he’s fed. If that’s not a mummy, what is? You can also start using the most annoying baby talk with him to really drive the point home.

When he shouts, “Meri green shirt kahaan hai?” you shout back, “Oh lelele, aaj baby green shirt pehnega? Mummy abhi leke aayi. Smart boy lagega aaj mera raja beta, nazar na lage mere munne ko”.

When he whines, “Pant kaise iron karte hain? So tough, you do it so well”, you say, “Oh ho ho, itna kaam kaise karega mera yuvraj? Leave it. Mummy will take care of it. You just go back to playing with your toys, okay?”

This method of dealing with a lazy husband will also involve cutting off all alcohol, going out with friends, and any joys of adulthood. Children go to bed at 9pm on weeknights and 10pm on weekends. They also have a set screen time of one hour per day and only get to watch Peppa Pig.

Give your in-laws a report card

Because they have obviously failed at parenting and must be corrected. Like they try to correct you about everything you do. If they are half-decent humans, your MIL and FIL will give their son one slap and tell him to fix his ways. If not, you can make the report card a monthly thing. They might yell and scream to protest, and eventually, they might stop talking to you. We call that a win-win, bachche.

Remember, girls. You’re not a devi with eight hands. Make your life easier and stop pretending you can do it all. Your husband and his family functioned just fine before you came along.

Did you like these tips on how to deal with a husband who does nothing? Follow Aunty Eve on Instagram for tips, tricks, and a lot more.

Related: Zohran Mamdani And Mira Nair: Why It’s Important For Boys To Be Raised By Strong Women