Not all uncles and aunties are like this, you know. Look at me, bachche. I’m such a cool aunty, defying all the rules of auntyhood. But there are some (read: far too many) who can get really nosy, especially with pregnant women. And I hate it! So, when I saw what all was being thrown at Alia beta when she announced her pregnancy, uff! I was so angry, bachche! All these Nosy Neenas are really ruining the reputation of all aunties and I won’t stand for it.

Alia, beta. I am here to help you deal with these nuisances. Here’s what you should do when someone tries to give you unsolicited advice, okay? No, this doesn’t apply to me. I’m cool.

Pretend to throw up in your mouth when they start talking nonsense

Everyone knows the one and only nishaani of a pregnant woman in Bollywood is random vomiting. So, whenever you find yourself stuck with someone who will just keep saying all sorts of crap, pretend that you’re at the peak of morning sickness. Trust me, no one will stand in your way as you leave the room.

Give detailed accounts of bodily functions when they tell you to have your 10,000^th gondh ka laddoo

When another weird desi concoction is being shoved down your throat, all you have to do is let them know of the consequences. Literally, bachche. Tell them how many times you went to the loo today, how long you sat on the pot, what you thought your excreta would look like and what it turned out to be, and what you think will happen after you eat what they’re suggesting. Again, be visual. Paint a picture for them.

Greet all comments on ‘baby so soon after marriage?’ with a wink.

And walk away. Leave them trying to figure out a useless timeline that occupies their brain for no reason. ‘Oh ho, so tez you two’, wink. ‘On the suhaag raat only?’, wink. ‘Is this why shaadi was so soon?’, wink wink wink. This way, no one will know what you actually want to say and there will be no offended people to manao when it’s time for the baby shower.

Swat away all hands that slyly make their way to your belly.

This will happen without fail, bachche, when the bump shows up. When it does, tell them you thought the hand was a machchhar since that’s the only thing that touches you without your consent. Keep it classy.

Make them eat all the food that they force you to eat.

Till you enjoy the panjiri, eat it, bachche. But when you stop enjoying it and it is still being fed to you, give it back. Let them enjoy the ‘nourishment’ too. Share that massive gondh ka laddoo. In fact, make them have it whole. Then, enjoy the silence as everyone leaves you alone.

When they ask whether you want a boy or a girl, you say cat.

Always say cat.

Don’t worry, Alia beta. Aunty Eve is always here to help with her unmatched, invaluable advice.

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