If you’re in a healthy, happy relationship and haven’t occasionally stalked your partner’s ex, you’re lying. It might have happened randomly late one night or during your boring 9-to-5 when you were just scrolling your partner’s Instagram. And you scrolled down enough to spot their ex on their profile. And bam, that’s when the spiralling and stalking begin. You go full private investigator mode and stalk the comments, the likes, and the people they’re both mutually following. Suddenly, it is a daily ritual to check their profile and go through an emotional plot twist no one warned you about. Retroactive jealousy is a real thing, and if you’re currently obsessed with your partner’s past, here’s what you need to know.

What is retroactive jealousy?

It often starts as fun, but quickly turns into an uncomfortable obsession with your partner’s past, especially their ex. This is what we call ‘retroactive jealousy’. It is not about what your partner is doing currently, but about what it was like for them before you were a part of the picture. From their relationship dynamics with their ex to the cute pictures and special and intimate moments, you feel a sense of jealousy and insecurity. Even though it has nothing to do with you, it feels personal and makes you overthink and compare and may even make you fall into an emotional spiral.

Retroactive jealousy brings self-doubt and makes you think you are somehow in competition with their past, and you constantly think of ways to level up. How to dress differently, how to keep things interesting, feeling the pressure to keep things hot and happening in bed, and much more. You talk about their ex with your friends and try to make up scenarios like what would happen if you bumped into them. But you’re not the only one who does it, and there are some simple ways to control it and eventually move on from your partner’s past.

Know when to draw the line

Retroactive jealousy is deeply human and often creeps in quietly. With everyone laying out their lives on social media for everyone to see, it is hard to ignore what your partner’s past looks like. It makes you wonder if you’re enough, if they are with you because you somehow remind them of their ex. In such moments of weakness, you question yourself and overanalyse situations that have nothing to do with you. But you must understand when to draw a line. What started as mere curiosity can turn into an unhealthy pattern and affect you in ways you never thought of. It could lead to feeling anxious all the time, bringing your partner’s past frequently into conversations, or constantly throwing shade at them. You must understand the loop you’re falling into and learn to distance yourself from it before it causes issues in your current relationship.

How to deal with retroactive jealousy

The first step is to accept that your feelings are valid but not necessarily correct. Everything can feel overwhelmingly real but you might not be paying attention to the full story. So, gently pull yourself back when you feel you are spiralling by reminding yourself why you and your partner are together and not them and their ex. Here are some simple ways to deal with retroactive jealousy and let the past stay in the past.

1. Address the situation

Don’t dismiss what you feel and address the fact that you are facing retroactive jealousy. This isn’t Voldemort; you’re not giving it any power by addressing or calling it out. Try to gently reason with yourself and ask if your partner has done anything to make you feel this way. Why are you putting yourself in a position of harm and emotional distress? Talk about it and try to find a way out of all the overthinking.

2. Give yourself a reality check

Our brain often tricks us into imagining things that are, most of the time, not even true. It likes to make it more dramatic than reality, and that is when you need to snap out of it. Question yourself: Is this something that is currently happening? Or is it something you’re making up based on what you’ve seen and heard, not actually felt? This might make you realise that the ‘what if’ that has you spiralling doesn’t even exist and it is all in your head. Another hack is to quickly put yourself in their shoes and flip the narrative. How would you feel if your partner spiralled over your past and completely lost track of what your current situation looks like?

3. Stop the self-sabotaging scrolling

What you call “research” in the name of digging up old posts or going through their phone to find something is just self-sabotage. At this point, you’re just trying to find something to prove that your conspiracy theories are real. While this sounds funny, it is actually a very toxic pattern and just deepens the emotional spiral. Start being mindful of what you scroll through and filter out what you consume and engage with on social media. Sometimes, turning a blind eye to something your partner posted 10 years ago is a great way of maintaining your peace.

4. Bitch about their ex with them

If you and your partner share a great bond and they haven’t given you any reasons to worry about their past relationships, this hack might work for you. Battling with insecure thoughts often makes your partner the villain. But if you open up to them and rant to them, you will be able to deal with this like a team. Open up about your concerns and even have a bitching session about both of your exes to make things feel light-hearted and also help ease your worries. Not every conversation about each other’s past has to turn into a heated argument. So, approach them to create a space for reassurance, not defensiveness.

5. Know when to seek support

You might think retroactive jealousy is just passing time and you can stop whenever you want. But what you don’t realise is that it is an addictive trait and will start affecting you sooner than you realise. So, knowing when to seek professional support for your own mental wellbeing is important. Find someone who can help you reason through things without being judgemental and provides a safe space to talk about what you’re feeling.

Featured Image Source

More stories from All About Eve

Your Birth Order Might Be Ruining Your Dating Life: Here’s What You Can Do To Fix It

12 Sneaky Questions That Reveal If Your Crush Is Actually Relationship Material

Are You A Finger Princess? The Korean Trend That Might Be A Rude Reality Check For You