Bachche, I love a big fat Indian wedding. I mean, who doesn’t? It’s loud, it’s fun, and it’s the best excuse to be your most unhinged self. You can have the most dramatic but aesthetic meltdowns in a gorgeous lehenga and rage through the night till the breakfast buffet is laid out. And it’s all good because shaadiyon mein masti toh hoti hi hai, bhaisaab. But at the last billionaire wedding I attended in Udaipur, I walked out of the sangeet venue and into the sunlight at 7am and thought, “Who is this really for?” The bride had long gone to sleep (cannot risk gaddhe under eyes) and the groom definitely didn’t have a single memory of the night since 10pm. So, who is the big fat Indian wedding for?

For the bride and groom?

Lol, what a joke. Even if they remain in their senses through the festivities, the poor dears will be chasing decorators because phool lavender bole thay and bhaiya genda lagaa ke chale gaye. They will be keeping all the drunks on schedule (because mahurat aka sunset lighting) or dealing with the paralysing consequences of choosing the heaviest wedding outfits ever.

For parents who need to fulfil obligations?

Baaki sab ki shaadi mein kha peeke, hum kaise “court wedding” kar sakte hain? Haina? But kar sakte hain, bhabhi ji. No one will ask for a refund. People can choose how to get married without keeping in mind what everyone else did. I know it sounds like a radical thought, but apne bachche ki khushi is more important than outshining your neighbour.

For Instagram?

I get it. A periodic aesthetics flex on Instagram is almost essential. Almost. You can live without it though. There are other ways to show off your “great” taste. You can even make a career out of it instead of trying to show all your talent in a three-day wedding. I’m sure even a decorator who dreams of purple-gold rooms will find customers.

To live out Bollywood dreams on the sangeet stage?

Okay, legit. Hit those thumkas. Everyone deserves a mega diva moment at least once in their lives. Especially brides who are marrying mega divas ultra pro max not-so-limited edition. If life gives you a khatta nimbu for a husband, bring your own tequila and make it a party, girl.

So, if you’re having a big, fat Indian wedding, ask yourself – who is it really for? Is the kharcha actually worth it or are you just giving in to your parents’ conditioning?

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