Monogamy has always been romanticised as the ultimate love story. Two people choosing each other, every single day, building a world that feels safe and deeply intimate. We’ve all grown up believing in monogamy as the endgame, finding our person, and choosing to grow old together. Honestly, there’s something incredibly beautiful about that kind of commitment. But in some cases, what begins as closeness slowly feels like confinement, where you become conscious of every move you make. The “harmless” jealousy turns into extreme possessiveness, loyalty demands proof, and exclusivity begins to feel like isolation. The shift is subtle, almost invisible at first. And before you realise it, you end up getting stuck in toxic monogamy.

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What is toxic monogamy?

Toxic monogamy is not about choosing to be exclusive. It is about how that exclusivity is practised. In a healthy monogamous relationship, exclusivity coexists with autonomy. You feel secure, trusted, and free to have a life outside your partner. You can have friends, interests, space and still feel deeply connected. In toxic monogamy, that same exclusivity slowly turns into control. Suddenly, you are explaining your texts to other people, justifying why you need alone time, or shrinking parts of yourself to avoid conflict. Desire and intimacy thrive when partners maintain individuality. When a relationship expects you to give up who you are just to stay close, it can slowly lead to frustration, anxiety and resentment. Eventually, you start to lose yourself in the relationship and feel distanced from your partner.

Just when you feel like breaking up, you end up convincing yourself that this is how love is supposed to feel. Our ideas of monogamy are also influenced by our culture, especially cinema. Hyper-romantic narratives have always taught us that intense jealousy equals deep love and that sacrifice equals devotion. You must die a little to love the same person every day, and be utterly blind to their negative traits. If you’re not doing this, do you even love your partner? This is how toxic monogamy gets normalised.

Signs of toxic monogamy

Not every intense relationship is toxic. But when exclusivity starts costing you your peace, it’s time to pay attention. Here are some signs that monogamy might have taken a dark, unhealthy turn.

1. Jealousy is normalised as passion

It often starts small, with questions about who reacted to your story or why you laughed a little too much at someone’s joke. They feel uncomfortable about your harmless interactions with others, and soon you find yourself explaining texts, sharing screenshots, or turning on your location just to avoid an argument. Sometimes, even liking an actor’s photo is treated as a breach of trust. When you point out how unreasonable it feels, it gets dismissed as love or concern. But love should not require constant surveillance. If it does, you may not be in a secure relationship, but in toxic monogamy.

2. Your social circle keeps becoming smaller

Not because you don’t like your friends, but because your partner doesn’t approve of them. This can be okay if they can tell when someone isn’t good for you, but if they just can’t stand the idea of you having a social circle in the first place, you’re in toxic monogamy. You stop meeting certain friends because it upsets your partner, cancel plans to keep the peace, and slowly realise most of your time revolves around managing their comfort. Healthy relationships expand your world while toxic monogamy makes your partner the centre of it.

3. You feel guilty for wanting things outside the relationship

Whether it’s a work trip, a hobby, or even a solo outing with friends, you hesitate to share your excitement because you already anticipate the conflict. This kills you from the inside as you keep putting their life goals and preferences above yours, which also lowers your self-esteem in the long run.

4. You are constantly walking on eggshells

You reread texts before sending them, monitor your tone during conversations, and adjust your behaviour to avoid triggering jealousy or arguments. This keeps you nervous all the time. For someone who should have been a safe space to discuss all your worries, you feel distanced from your partner.

5. Boundaries are treated as rejection

The moment you ask for some time alone or say you need space, it turns into accusations that you are pulling away or don’t care enough. Healthy requests are twisted into personal attacks. Eventually, you stop asking for space altogether because it feels easier than dealing with the fallout.

How to address toxic monogamy

Start with honest self-reflection. Ask yourself whether you truly feel safe, respected, and trusted, or whether you often feel monitored and restricted. Once you recognise the pattern, communicate it clearly. Talk about specific behaviours and how they make you feel, rather than turning it into a blame game. A healthy partner may not be perfect, but they will be willing to listen and reflect.

Setting firm boundaries is crucial. That might mean protecting your friendships, asking for privacy, or refusing to justify harmless interactions. Pay attention to how your partner responds. If their behaviour continues despite conversations, consider seeking therapy or reevaluating whether the relationship is truly healthy for you. If you feel guilty about breaking up with them, thinking they have always loved you, just remember that monogamy isn’t the issue, but their controlling tendencies are.

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FAQs

Q1. Is toxic monogamy the same as a toxic relationship?

Not exactly. Toxic monogamy specifically happens when exclusivity is used as an excuse to control or restrict a partner.

Q2. Can toxic monogamy exist in long-term marriages?

Yes. Toxic monogamy can show up as emotional dependency, suspicion, or control, even in long-term marriages.

Q3. How do we know if we’re showing toxic monogamous behaviour?

If you constantly check, question, or control your partner, it may be a sign to reflect on your own patterns.

Q4. Is jealousy always a red flag in monogamy?

No. Occasional jealousy is normal, but constant monitoring or accusations signal toxic monogamy.

Q5. Can toxic monogamy be unlearned?

Yes. Toxic monogamy can be unlearnt if you communicate with your partner and they are willing to change their patterns and take accountability for their actions.