Love will come to you this week in multiple forms — brownies, alcohol, and a free shared Netflix screen. Read this week’s horoscope to find what’s coming your way.
1. Aries (March 21 – April 19)
I see all those extra hours at the work desk, my dear Aries. It’s time to take a chill pill now and let your hard work show results. Focus on yourself and don’t let anyone rain on your parade. This week’s horoscope says you need to indulge in self-care and look after yourself ‘coz that acne ain’t gonna fix itself. Be open to communication and let people hear things straight up, so don’t sugar coat it. You suck at it, anyway. Apply some Patchouli oil and sip iced tea.
AAE Pro Tip: Make sure you don’t skip the star ingredient of the iced tea – tequila.
2.Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You have been living under a rock for a while now, and I’m glad to see you socialising with the human world. And that secret crush you got? Well, getting crushes isn’t bad, but having a crush on the same person even after four years? Maybe you need to learn how things work in the human world, you have been disconnected for too long. Google the term “moving on” and spend some time understanding the concept.
AAE Pro Tip: While you Google ‘moving on’, also search how to shave. You can get used to looking human again.
3. Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
All that time you spend in front of the mirror having debates with yourself and clapping when you win them — it’s really impressive, you know? But you might need to bring these skills to use per this week’s horoscope and actually speak up in proper sentences rather than snarky remarks. And no matter how friendly you try to look, I know that deep down, you are willing to slit anyone’s throat. Yes, stop smirking, your friends know about this now, that’s why you didn’t get invited to that party last weekend. So suck it up and fake it till you make it to the next party, it shouldn’t be hard for you.
AAE Pro Tip: Dress up, go to the bathroom, and click some pictures. Don’t let your Insta fam know you are a loner.
4. Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You continue to amaze me with how strong you are and how you can go through the worst of situations. I mean, saving that last slice of pizza only to know that your sibling ate it and not shedding a single tear about it? SO PROUD! But stop skipping parties, because not everyone gets invited to them. Ask your Gemini friends. Plan a quick meet-up with your friends because you could really use one.
AAE Pro Tip: Don’t take that cup of tea from your sibling, they kept the milk out overnight and it’s gone bad now.
5. Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You have been caught up with a lot of things lately, and it is time to sit down for a moment and breathe. I know you can be quite an overachiever sometimes, but we could all use a breather from time to time. Stop moving around like an angry tornado and think things through. Call up a friend and play advisor, this will help you feel in your element and make you realise that people are still stupid. Make yourself feel good and then get back on your feet.
AAE Pro Tip: Everyone is missing your expensive whiskey snaps, post some to bless their feed.
6. Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
While your birthday season is coming to an end, the surprises aren’t stopping anytime soon. You remember that friend who asked you a million questions about what kind of cars you like? Yeah well, they will be coming over this week with a box of brownies. What were you expecting? Also, you might want to sit down and count all that birthday cash to see what you want to get for yourself. A toothbrush, a new mobile cover, a keychain, or new toilet seat covers, your options are unlimited, have fun.
AAE Pro Tip: Save up the birthday cash this year and get something bigger next year. Maybe a stuffed panda!
7. Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Things have been all over the place for you and it’s time you start setting them right. Which is just me metaphorically saying that clean your room before you trip over that rubber duck again. And stop calling this phase a hot mess, because it’s honestly just a mess. You are no Masaba Gupta to pull it off, so you might as well get to some cleaning.
AAE Pro Tip: You will pour shaving foam in your coffee instead of whipped cream, and what’s more disgusting is that you will like it.
8. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
I see how the social butterfly inside you is fluttering nonstop, and per this week’s horoscope, you need to let it out of its cage. Sit down with your Cancer friend and make some plans to throw a party. Any excuse to get alcohol and postable pictures for Instagram is enough motivation for you. Also, you need to make peace with your boo because you will be feeling hella horny this week.
AAE Pro Tip: Wear that hot lingerie set. You know, the one with Powerpuff Girls on it. Your partner will appreciate it.
9. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You really need to take responsibility for your actions and stop telling your Tinder matches that your friend swiped right for you. You have been sneaking around a lot, so you might actually want to come to terms with reality this week. It can be hard, but keep faith in Netflix and chocolates to get you through all this. And just a heads up, even though you think you put up a strong and tough facade, everyone knows you sleep with a baby koala pillow.
AAE Pro Tip: Replace the baby koala pillow with a baby dolphin one!
10. Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Dear Capricorn, you need and deserve a break. All those hours of staring at the laptop are going to do some serious skin damage, so shut it down. And no matter how much you like to finish off work in time, waking up in the middle of the night to edit your email drafts is simply toxic. This week’s horoscope says you need to let your life revolve around something else for a change. Get some new skincare and splurge because, sometimes, having 10 hand creams is just not enough.
AAE Pro Tip: Accidentally spill some whiskey in your coffee and keep doing it if you want to survive this week.
11. Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You really need to stop arguing with yourself and come to terms with your wants and needs. Have you been feeling all exhausted and weary? Yeah, having cake for breakfast and slushies for dinners is going to do that. And having dinner at 4 AM and breakfast at 4 PM is also kinda not what normal people do. So stop fucking around and fix your mess before those dark circles are the only defining feature on your face.
AAE Pro Tip: That delicious chocolate chip cake you ordered actually has raisins in it. Enjoy!
12. Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to make some major changes in life including that bedsheet that’s been there for two weeks. Cut out toxic people, it’s high time you did that. You need to get your life back on track and also maybe your fitness routine too? But having cheesecake on the weekend doesn’t count, just remember not to invite your Aquarius friend over. Also, this week’s horoscope indicates that you need a day drinking weekend. Get cake and alcohol, and have a party all by yourself.
AAE Pro Tip: Your Aquarius friend will be sending you a delicious chocolate chip cake. Enjoy.
Have a great week, lovelies!