A hand on your back, a touch on your shoulder, an unexpected peck on the cheek, or a hug that’s just a bit too close, a bit too tight. People, especially women, experience these unpleasant moments almost every day. And when celebrities are involved, boundaries followed in real life tend to get blurred. The “deewangi” takes over, as singer Udit Narayan puts it. But does that really justify such behaviour? Can we really use “deewangi” as an excuse to kiss, hug or touch strangers without consent?

You might have the most decent intentions (or none at all) when you hug someone, kiss them on the cheek or “politely” touch their shoulder. But here’s why you, as a decent person, need to stop touching people you don’t know.

Uneven power dynamics

Whether you’re colleagues or distant relatives, power dynamics are always around you. They may not be obvious to you, but these power imbalances always affect someone. If you’re a manager at work, you have power over your team members whether you believe it or not. You may be the “cool boss” but you’re still the boss. Your juniors may not feel comfortable telling you that they don’t like it when you rest your hand on their shoulder or hug them every morning.

If you’re meeting distant relatives for the first time, don’t start hugging them tight or kissing them before getting to know them. Even if this isn’t the first time you’re meeting, gauge their emotions and then go in for that bear hug.

Normalising dismissive behaviour towards unwanted touch

Unwanted touch is not something to be taken lightly. It can affect people in different ways and leave them with nasty memories of their experiences. When videos of celebrities like Udit Narayan kissing his female fans go viral and bring a dismissive reaction from the people involved, it makes it okay for men to dismiss women’s experiences of unwanted touch in everyday life. If Udit Narayan can do it, so can we, right? Wrong. Udit Narayan should not have engaged in or encouraged such behaviour. And he should not have dismissed it as “deewangi” when questioned.

You don’t know their past experiences

One of the most important aspects to keep in mind when you want to kiss or hug a total stranger is that you don’t know what they may have been through. You cannot know, obviously. So why assume that they would be okay with your touch? A woman, like many around us, may have been harassed or abused, and she may have locked away that memory only for it to resurface when a man grabs her face and kisses her. A man may have been abused at home and your hand on their shoulder may remind them of a dark time in their life.

They may be immuno-compromised

Your touch could be lethal for someone with a weak immune system. Even if you don’t feel sick, you can still be a carrier of an infection. A light kiss or a lingering hug from a seemingly healthy person could harm an immuno-compromised person. This could also go the other way around and harm you if you’re the one with weak immunity.

If you don’t know someone, it is foolish to make assumptions about them. We all know that. Then why would you assume that it’s okay to touch them when you don’t even know the first thing about them?

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