“Beti ka ghar bas jaaye. Humein aur kya chahiye?”

“Damaad khush hai toh beti bhi khush rahegi. Yeh toh normal hai”

“Dahej nahi, gifts hain. Apni beti ko hi de rahe hain”

How many times have we heard these excuses for dowry at weddings? How many times have we seen shiny new cars parked outside wedding venues, gift-wrapped and ready for the groom? How many times have you, uncles and aunties, ridiculed your daughters when they say they don’t want gifts to be given to the groom or his parents at their wedding? How many times have you laughed and said, “Tum bachche ho, you don’t know. Yeh rivaaz hote hain”? How many times have daughters been told to be “sensible” and stay quiet because “that is your home now”? How much longer are you, as parents, going to shut your eyes to reality and happily shove your daughters into a hungry lion’s den in the name of rivaaz?

On August 21, in Greater Noida, a woman was burnt alive by her husband and in-laws allegedly because they wanted 35 lakh as dowry from her parents. Nikki Bhati had allegedly been tortured since getting married to Vipin Bhati in 2016 but she was sent back to her in-laws’ home despite everything. To help with her husband’s demands, Nikki wanted to resume her business of running a beauty parlour with her sister. She was refused and killed for it. Her family knew what she had been going through since the beginning of her marriage. Yet they didn’t help her divorce this man because of – you guessed it – societal pressure. For a majority of Indian parents even today, when it really comes down to it, a dead daughter is better than a divorced daughter.

“Educated people don’t do such things”

What happened to Nikki Bhati could happen to your daughter and don’t even think for a second that this is a far-fetched thought. When you pretend that the dowry you’re giving is just “harmless gifts” and tell yourself that your daughter’s happiness depends on these gifts, you fail as a parent. You take your daughter dangerously close to Nikki’s fate.

What is the price of your daughter’s happiness? Is it an SUV worth 30 lakh or 3 crore? Is it an apartment in Gurgaon or an acre of land in Noida? Is your daughter’s safety worth five kilos of gold or 50?

Are you that terrible as a parent that you have to pay a man and his family to keep your daughter happy?

“Woh aise log nahi hain”

But aap toh hain. Aapne toh maan liya that your daughter’s life is in the hands of her in-laws. Dowry is not a “gift”, it’s a licence that you give to a man to mistreat your daughter if he’s unhappy with his “gift”. Ek aur gaadi ke liye taaney and ek aur apartment ke liye chaante. This is why you give dowry, right? To avoid this fate for your daughter? Nikki Bhati was murdered in front of her son and sister by people who thought they would get away with it. Your daughter might marry into a family that cares too much about their reputation to torture or kill her for dowry and that makes you think, “Woh aise log nahi hain, hum toh apni taraf se gifts de rahe hain”. But you admit that your child’s life somehow depends on these gifts and you’re okay with it. How do you sleep at night?

“Divorce is not an option”

But death is? A divorced daughter is often seen as a bigger shame than a dead daughter. People sympathising with Nikki’s father should know he is not the victim. This man had several chances to protect his daughter but he didn’t. Because divorce is still seen as the ultimate shame, in rural and urban India.

Nikki’s father now wants capital punishment for his son-in-law, but what good will that do? He failed as a father when his daughter was alive, and now that she’s dead, he wants your sympathy. Divorced women face immense stigma in the richest, most elite societies too. And their parents can’t bear the thought of having a divorced daughter sitting at home.

We will never know how many women suffer behind closed doors because of this threat of beizzati. But when one of them is brutally killed, we will all rise and demand capital punishment for the murderer. And as these news headlines flash across screens in every living room, TVs will be switched off to discuss “damaadji ke liye Rolex leni hai ya cash hi de dein?”

Related: ‘Bahu Ho Rani Nahi, Chup Raho’: When You Get The Mother-In-Law From Hell And No One Believes You