They say life is the best teacher, but let me tell you, life is just a chaotic tutor with no lesson plans that make you suffer with surprise tests. Frankly, my school didn’t teach me much; all the lessons I learnt in my life come from a unique curriculum of exes, toxic friends, nosy relatives and other lively characters. If you have still not learnt these lessons, buckle up. The class has commenced!

1. Professor What Not To Do, aka my ex

I can say I was pretty dumb before meeting my ex because he was the one who finally taught me some crucial lessons. He taught me that when a man says they are not ready for a relationship, it means they are not ready for a relationship with YOU. He also taught me that breadcrumbing doesn’t mean feeding birds; it’s the art of feeding humans a little love every now and then to keep them around.

Also, he has all my gratitude for making me good at math! It was never my strong suit, but all those sleepless nights I spent calculating how long he was online without responding to my text messages while commenting on reels have made me a pro. I can challenge Shakuntala Devi now!

2. Professor How To Sabotage People, aka my toxic friends

Before Ekta Kapoor regaled us with her Naagin, I learnt the concept of being a shapeshifting snake from my beloved friend. She was an expert in the art of sabotaging and taught me everything she could about it. How selfless!

Did you know there’s a difference between “yeah that dress will suit you” and the much simpler “this dress will suit you”? The former means you look like a clown, and the latter means you might look passable. I could never have learned the nuances of grammar without her.

3. Professor What Are You Doing With Your Life, aka my nosy aunt

If you think your teacher throwing you out of class for talking is insulting, meet my aunt. She will insult you in front of fifty strangers for just existing. She holds a PhD in “What Are You Doing With Your Life”.

She’s an expert at chit bhi meri patt bhi meri comments like, “You’re still single?” or “Haww, you’re dating outside of the caste?” She has taught me that no matter what I do, I can only make the wrong choices. Moving away from home? Not homely enough. Staying at home? Not ambitious enough. Thanks, Aunty dearest, for teaching me that I am a constant disappointment.

4. Professor Smile More, aka strange men

So many men with kaddu jaisi shakal have taught me that I should try to look more like Deepika Padukone. These men made me resilient to harassment, eve teasing and catcalling, and they didn’t even know me. They are doing God’s work really. I mean, how rare it is to find someone to teach you that your existence on this planet means “you’re asking for it”.

And my favourite lesson of all — they taught me how to be vigilant at all times, whether in a cab or when I am walking home alone. If I am not careful enough, who can I blame if anything goes wrong? They also made it a point to focus on how it is my responsibility as a woman to entertain them. It’s easy though, coz all I have to do is keep smiling at all times.

5. Professor Say Anything With Confidence, aka the random wellness influencer on Instagram

For someone who is so underconfident, this influencer was an angel in disguise. The confidence with which he taught me pseudoscience baffled me. I started to question everything I learnt in my school. He even showed me how I was drinking water the wrong way my whole life.

I also learnt a strong lesson in the power of persuasion. He once almost persuaded me to buy a bag of pure Himalayan salt from his brand that cost ₹1,500. But I was saved by Professor Sabotage, who thought I might get clear skin after using it. She told me it was nonsense and proceeded to buy it herself. 

6. Professor Fake Personality For Trends, aka my “cool” friends

If you are annoyed by people who follow trends blindly, I hope you never find a friend like mine. One fine day, she developed anxiety and became an introvert because it was trendy. She taught me that when you don’t have a personality, you can simply steal it from others. How convenient!

Her version of social anxiety comes into existence only on social media or when someone else is sharing about theirs. I was shocked when she taught me that it’s perfectly acceptable to romanticise mental health struggles to seem relatable. Authenticity is overrated when you can simply cry about hating people and then go on trips with them every month. It was a hard lesson to learn, but she was a good professor.

That’s all for the lesson, folks! You don’t need to go to school, take exams or do homework to master these lessons. With the occasional existential crisis, you’re good to go. Class dismissed!

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