What are you laughing at? Of course, I was at the big Katrina Vicky wedding. No Bollywood wedding, fake or real, is complete without Aunty Eve, bachche. Everyone needs the comfort of my presence. But no one appreciates the value of my existence. Why else would all these Bollywood people repeatedly disregard my wedding advice? DP didn’t listen when I told her to get Dosanjh lyrics written on her bridal dupatta, PC didn’t listen to me when I told her to marry the other brother, and Anu didn’t listen to me when I told her to get married in Baroda.

And because Kat didn’t listen to me (you’ll know why soon), her wedding was a disaster too. Here’s all the inside scoop from the most unnecessarily secret wedding ever.

My invite came the day before the wedding!

Oh, such an insult! It’s like no one even wanted me there. I’m sure Vicky was behind this. But my dear friend, Kat insisted that I grace her wedding with my presence. So, of course, I grabbed my already packed wedding bag, added two more suitcases to look like I mean business, posed in my Gucci sweats for the paps who just can’t get enough of me, and I caught the first flight out. Kat and I go way back, you know. I was also her acting coach for Namastey London and Sooryavanshi. I mean, I pretty much made her the brilliant actor she is today.

You won’t believe the code I got

The whole wedding party should be glad I have such amazing acting skills because when I heard my secret guest code, I nearly passed out. Beta ji, they named me Random123. Good joke, Vicky (NOT). Someone at the reception told me that Kat decided codes for everybody, but I don’t think so, honey! If she had chosen them, I would’ve been VVVVVIP1 at the Katrina Vicky wedding.

My room had no room

I could barely fit my faux Sabya lehenga in the door! I had to cut out some of the cancan to just shut the closet. And no one helped me. Apparently, they were too busy handling the groom’s family or something. Ugh. Imagine choosing Vicky over me.

Veena aunty’s ladies sangeet was far too dry

Yes, yes, it was all very sweet. Kat was happy, the whole family was singing and dancing. But what is a ladies sangeet without a few ladies geet-ing drunk? Hehehe. No Moet, no Dom, no Blue Label, not even a Black water! The Kaushals really should have enlisted my party planning services. Anyway, not even the sickeningly sweet dhol wali aunties could keep me away from my purse bar. Party for one, bachche!

No one woke me up for the actual sangeet!

So, yes, I did dance A LOT after my little “party” at the small sangeet. But does that mean I should be punished for it? So what if I snatched the dhol spoon and swung it out of the room? So what if I was louder than the “professional” singer? And so what if I told Kat what I really think of her husband in front of everyone? Does that mean your guest should be banished for having a good time? No! I took a lovely, long nap and missed half the actual sangeet! It was only when I heard Bijlee playing for the third time that I realised what had happened. Injustice.

Vicky shouting “HOW’S THE JOSH?” every two minutes is okay, but apparently, I was “badly behaved”.

Kat’s bridal look is a tragic Bollywood drama in itself

I know you feel horrible for me, but my story wasn’t even the biggest tragedy of this wedding. Katrina’s whole bridal look was a tragedy of Titanic proportions. She was robbed! ROBBED! You know, Kat took me aside to complain how she had planned her bridal look three years ago but DP stole it! Now, I know all of you think it’s the other way around but NO! I am firmly on Kat’s side here. She says she’s still trying to find out how DP got her hands on her bridal mood board.

Big Breaking: No dal makhani at the Katrina Vicky wedding

Punjabi wedding and an abysmal lack of dal makhani! I looked everywhere. I even went into the kitchen to ask. Apart from confused stares, I got nothing. After giving up on the dal, I began my hunt for a good gulab jamun. UGH. It’s like all of them decided to copy PC’s wedding menu and not serve the best wedding dessert of all time. It’s a crime against humanity.

Chalo, now all is done. I just said bye-bye to the hotel and to Kat. Vicky and I don’t talk and that is best for everyone. He even took all the credit for the Instagram caption that I had written for both of them. So, as revenge, I have vowed to leak the pictures of their first child. Vicky should know that no one messes with Aunty Eve and gets away with it.

Related: #DeepVeerKiShaadi: Inside Scoop From A Guest Who Didn’t Even Get A Suite in Lake Como

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