I am a smog veteran, beta ji. You don’t know your Aunty Eve’s many, many talents. Smog chhodo, I can handle a potent, concentrated mix of all kinds of toxic gases. Living with your uncle has made me survive some truly catastrophic smoggy moments after his weekly mooli ke paranthe paired with mirchi ka achaar. If I can survive that cloud, you can survive this two-bit seasonal pollution. Thodi si hawa chali and the smog will go away. Can’t say that about the gas machine I live with. Here’s how to tackle the smog in Delhi like a pro.

Hold your breath

Practise this every day of the year to prepare yourself well. All you need to do is hold your breath for a few minutes every day so that by the time November 2025 comes, you can go at least 20 minutes without taking a breath. Because if you inhale, you might die. I have learned this the hard way by walking behind your uncle after family dinners far too many times.

Blame it on your neighbour

If India can say Pakistan is responsible for pollution, why can’t we take out some bhadaas on Mrs Duggal? It’s only fair. You should do it too, bachche. Just like you blame your neighbour for your own kachre ke dabbe overflowing, you can also blame them for next year’s smog. Start by holding them accountable for the dank smell emanating from your pits.

Distract yourself with creative pursuits

Everyone puts screenshots of their AQI apps in this season. You need to stand out from the crowd. Use this time to hone your skills to find the best memes and store them for next year. Or better yet, work on becoming a meme yourself. Don’t worry, it’s easy. Just imitate the people currently in Bigg Boss.

Change your thinking

If the AQI is the only thing going up, celebrate. Things could be much worse. Your cholesterol could go up, blood pressure could go up, blood sugar could go up, or your in-laws could move in with you. Thoo thoo, nazar na lagey. There is a lot that can go wrong with your life, be grateful it’s just the air that is rotten for now.

Be positive, bachche. Smog agley saal bhi aayegi and the year after that too. Save some of your outrage energy. Till then, look forward to your 10th cold and cough of the year before Christmas.

Related: Pollution Wreaking Havoc On Your Hair? Try These DIY Hair Repairing Masks

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