How are you, beta ji? Are you also feeling like the government has taken all your money in one go? Are you thinking of sitting on dharna outside the PM’s house to get your tax money back? Did you also scream “WHY DO I PAY SO MUCH TAX?” when your cab went into a pothole today? Don’t worry, bachche. Almost everyone I know is in the same sinking ship. But not me. Because your Aunty Eve knows how to save money and not pay tax. Here are the secrets to my limitless wealth and income tax-free life.

Stay just below the tax slab

Take the promotion but refuse all pay hikes. It’s all a scam, bachche. Sarkaars all over the world got together and created this multi-gajillion-dollar scam! First, you will be praised for all your “hard work” when we all know that most of your hard work is just browsing LinkedIn. Then, you will be given an “appraisal” that will increase your salary on paper, but where is all that extra money going? That’s right. Taxes! When your salary increases, you pay more taxes. So, don’t take pay hikes and stay just below the tax slab. Happy, stress-free life. You just have to be prepared to live like a starving fresh-out-of-college intern even when you’re 55.

Pay rent to your mummy-papa (only on paper)

Because it is against Bharatiya sanskaar to move out of home, you treat your mummy-papa as landlords! Since the government thinks all of you pay rent and are not freeloaders who spend their entire salary in one night of online shopping, you can show rent receipts. Yes, this will increase the tax liability on your parents, but that’s nothing compared to the liability they birthed, amirite?

Create your own Jamtara

Not the place, bachche. The essence. If you want to save money and not pay income tax, you need to create your own unique scam. Something no one has ever seen before and can fool everyone. Even me! Whatsapp scams are a thing of the past, beta ji, so think of another platform. Maybe this Threads or Elon’s X. Also, if your scam is successful, don’t tell anyone. Not even your parents. You don’t want them bragging about your “entrepreneurial creativity” all over the mohalla.

Convince your local sabziwala to give you freebies

With inflation going higher than my standards, you have no choice but to steal aloo pyaaz tamaatar. But if you have a stuck-up conscience that says stealing is bad, make friends with your sabziwala. Convince him that you’re an influencer and can bring in a lot of business through your Instagram. Tell him that you’ll use his sabzi to cook exotic dishes like khich-ré, potato aubergine with hand-crafted bread, and lentil soup. Make a whole marketing proposal and narrate it to him this evening.

Stop refusing those sagan ke envelopes

And create more occasions to earn more sagan. For example, get married. Twice. Six months apart. And make sure your whole family knows that both ceremonies are equally important and will be celebrated. Only then can you manage to extract sagan on a regular basis. Also, have kids! Yes, they are very expensive and turn your life into an amusement park from hell, but they’re a source of endless sagan. Think long-term, bachche.

Do all retirement planning under your mattress

Don’t fall for this “interest” scam that banks keep pushing in our faces. All these savings accounts and fixed deposits and investments are ways for the government to track your wealth, beta ji. Protect it! Keep it under your mattress and don’t even think of depositing more than 500 rupees into your bank account. Maybe by looking at your bank balance, the government will feel sorry for you and actually give you money. Ummeed, beta ji, ummeed.

Happy ITR season! Here’s hoping you don’t have to pay any income tax next year.

Related: 8 Money Mistakes You Should Avoid In Your 20s For A Financially Secure Life

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