Have you got an exciting new job, bachche? Are you super pumped and can’t wait to start shining at your dream workplace? Has HR said, “Welcome to the family” yet? Well done, beta ji. You have joined the elite group of corporate crows who have been tricked into falling headfirst into the well. Mubarkaan. Don’t believe me and trust your sweet, new boss instead? Let me tell you the reality of what companies mean when they say, “We are a family”.

You will be expected to spend 18-20 hours a day in the office

Yes, you can sleep in the office as long as it doesn’t show on your face. How will we maintain our Bestest Place To Work rating with our employees looking like they’re on the verge of death? Carry a good concealer to the office. No, we will not reimburse you. Stop trying to rob us blind.

You will have to be nice to everyone

Especially the people you hate for dumping all the work on you and leaving early. It’s your fault you’re not manipulative enough to get out of this situation. All you can do now is smile and attend every yoga session in the office to “de-stress”. No, HR cannot do anything about this, it’s not their job to help people.

Badon ko izzat deni padegi even if they don’t deserve it

Bade toh bade hain na. You can’t be disrespectful to the elders in this family even if they make your life a living hell. You can’t tell your boss that they are overworking you or that you need a break. You definitely can’t go to HR and complain because this is kahaani ghar ghar ki. If you think your boss is a deadweight bringing the “family” down, keep it to yourself. Aise kaise ghar se nikaal dein Dadaji ko?

You will want to run away every day but you can’t

Every day in this family is new and exciting. And full of kalesh. So much that you will want to run far, far away. But you can’t. You can’t leave your family just because they scream and shout at you. Like Karan Johar once said, it’s all about loving your family.

In all seriousness, stay away from companies that call themselves family, bachche. One family is enough for a lifetime. In any case, you can’t ask “family” for more money at the end of the year. But you can ask for an appraisal in a normal, civilised workplace. So that’s what you choose. Okay? Okay.

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