As a mother, do you always feel like no matter what you do, you’re just not doing enough for your kids? Is there constant guilt for not providing your kids with everything they deserve? You aren’t the only one feeling this way. In fact, a lot of mothers feel like this, and it is known as mom guilt. Mom guilt is a genuine phenomenon and a very frustrating feeling. But what exactly is it, and how can you deal with it?

To understand mom guilt better and find ways to navigate it, we talked to Dr Sarah Javed, an Assistant Professor of Psychology at Aligarh Muslim University and mother of two kids. 

What exactly is mom guilt?

Mom guilt is the cloud of self-doubt that constantly hovers over a woman, making her question everything she is doing as a mother. It’s a feeling that one is miserably failing at motherhood because she wants to work outside the home, indulge in a hobby or even have a moment for herself.

According to Dr Javed, mom guilt often arises from the unrealistic expectations we set for ourselves. When we try to be everything all at once and fail, there’s a sense of guilt for not being enough. “Mom guilt is associated with the child, not the career or anything else you’re willing to do. It’s more about -I am not spending time with my child and never about – I am not excelling at my career, or I am failing to take care of my mental health,” explained Dr Javed.

What causes mom guilt?

The major reason for mom guilt is the unreasonable and unhealthy demands that society puts on a woman. She is always told that her value lies in being a mother, but simultaneously, she needs to fulfil all the other responsibilities as well. Dr Javed explains, “The guilt exists more in working moms because they are leaving their kids behind to fulfil their own dreams,” she says.

But it’s not just about work. Mom guilt can also kick in from taking time out for yourself even if it’s simply to relax after a tiring day. Sometimes, work commitments or wanting a break can lead you to miss out on some crucial milestones of the kid’s life, which triggers more guilt.

“Even when you hire nannies to make sure your kids are looked after, that too makes you feel guilty for not being the one looking after them,” says Dr Javed. She further explained, “Sometimes focusing on one kid (because they need more care) leads to mom guilt because one child gets more attention than the other.”

Mom guilt is also an expression of family dynamics. “If there is a woman who has too many responsibilities of the house, kids and other family members, she’ll feel guilty for not dedicating more time to her kids, and this is not even her fault,” Dr Javed explained. “There’s a constant need to be like a supermom who can do anything,” she remarked.

Dr Javed further added that something as simple as breastfeeding can also trigger feelings of guilt. She explained how milk production reduces when the infant’s intake reduces. So, when you don’t feed your baby for long hours due to work or other reasons, the production of breast milk also reduces. This triggers guilt for being unable to feed your baby as much as they need.

She also added, “It doesn’t matter if you are a new mom or not, mom guilt shows up even when you have grown-up kids. Because even if your kids can do things on their own, you feel a constant guilt that you are not there to do those things for them.”

Can mom guilt lead to bigger issues?

Though managing mom guilt is easy when partners and families pitch in, sometimes it gets to a point where the guilt doesn’t exist alone. Mom guilt can further lead to bigger issues like anxiety and depression.

“Feeling guilty means you think you’re the reason things are going wrong. When you’re guilty, you blame yourself for everything that goes wrong with your child. Blaming yourself and feeling like you’re the sole reason for everything bad is a diagnostic feature of depression. So, this constant mom guilt can lead to depression.” says Dr Javed.

She further added that physical and mental health are directly co-related. If one goes down the hill, so will the other. So, extreme cases of mom guilt can lead to much bigger health issues.

Do dads feel guilty too?

Dr Javed shared that fathers are also prone to parental guilt. “Fathers too feel guilty for not being present enough. My husband lives abroad, and he’s constantly telling me to record every milestone our kids achieve. I see that guilt he feels, but again, mothers feel that guilt more intensely and more often because mothers are considered the primary caregivers.” 

How can you deal with mom guilt?

1. Communicate with your partner

It’s not easy to overcome this guilt of not paying enough attention to your kids, but this is where partners come in. Having support from your partner while you juggle too many responsibilities makes it easier. “If you and your partner divide who gets the kids ready and who cooks breakfast, it’s easier for everyone. The mother isn’t frustrated with the work or the kids. She doesn’t feel like the kids are being neglected while she also has some time to relax,” said Dr Javed. 

2. Spend quality time with kids

Dr Javed advised that another way of managing mom guilt is by spending quality time with your kids. When you are there for them, actually be there. Don’t be half present. “You know, what I do is, I involve my daughter with me in something or other. She likes to dance, so I put on some music, and then I dance with her. For me, it’s like exercising to lose weight while she enjoys herself, so when I am there with her, she knows I am there enjoying every bit of it and not busy with some work.”

3. Practice self-compassion

It’s important to remind yourself that you can’t be perfect. “Understand that you’re doing your best to provide for your kids. They will not blame you when they grow up. As they grow old, they realise that parents are humans too,” Dr Javed highlighted.

4. Seek professional help

If you feel like the guilt is getting out of control and affecting your health in any way, it’s good to seek help. Dr Javed urges all mothers to actively seek professional help when necessary. “We should normalise needing professional help when it comes to mental health issues. These feelings of guilt can also impact your physical health, so consulting a professional is recommended.”

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