Welcome to the digital world, bachche. A magical place that promised a better life but has given us a brand new condition instead. Brain rot, I’m told, is Oxford’s Word of The Year for 2024. Apparently, we have spent so much time scrolling mindlessly on our phones that we’ve managed to create whole new problems like brain rot. But since I am the world’s best aunty, I found several solutions for this brand-new ailment. Here’s how to cure brain rot.

Live a day in the life of a dog

What does a dog do all day, beta ji? A dog wakes up, poops, eats, sleeps, plays, runs outside, sleeps, eats, poops, sleeps again. Sometimes, they pretend to do jobs like guarding houses and barking at strangers. What they don’t do is stare at a screen all day and feel sad about it. The best way to cure brain rot is to just, sometimes, live like a dog. Don’t actually become like a dog because you still need people in your life.

Get a newspaper subscription

And get your daily news only from there. Yes, you will be a day behind the whole world, but how does it matter? Real time news dekh ke kaunse jhande gaad liye aapne? Subscribe to a newspaper and dedicate one hour in the morning to reading it instead of scrolling on your phone. Not only will you get rid of brain rot, you will have found your way back to old Indian family traditions – hiding behind a newspaper and grunting at world affairs. To make the experience more wholesome, accuse your neighbours of stealing your paper whenever it’s late by two minutes or more.

Related: It’s Official, 2024 Was The Year Of ‘Brain Rot’

Buy the least popular, worst-rated phone out there

Let’s face it, bachche. We all know why you bought the latest iPhone. Aisa toh hai nahi that the phone you bought last year stopped working as soon as the new one was launched. Features sheatures aside, the main reason we buy the latest handheld gadgets is clout. And the only way to show this clout is by scrolling on your shiny new phone all the time in front of people. But if you have a shame-inducing, garbage phone that moves at the speed of a desi uncle after two plates of chhole bhature, you’ll want to hide it as much as possible, which means you won’t scroll as much at least when you’re in public.

Delete all dating apps

I would’ve said delete your social media apps but your generation scrolls just as mindlessly on dating apps. And that has actual, real-world consequences. One day, you’ll meet someone with whom you think you have a connection. Phir aap shaadi ki baat karoge and shaadi ho bhi jayegi after 2-3 years. Then, after a couple of months of following all the rules of marriage like turning off phones before bed or cuddling for 25 minutes every second day, you will get tired. And you will go back to scrolling on social media at 2 am. Koi faayda hua? Nahi. Kya mila? Brain rot. Save yourself and stop scrolling on every single app now.

Quit your job

What makes you stare at a screen all day? Your job. What prompts you to hide in the bathroom at work and scroll reels for 20 minutes every two hours? Your job. What crushes you enough at the end of every single day that you don’t have the energy to do anything except move your thumb up and down? You guessed it, your job. The solution seems pretty straightforward, bachche. Quit your job and join the world of the living again. Who cares about money anyway? Haath ka mael, bachche, haath ka mael.

Follow all these steps to cure brain rot and you will feel so much better. Yes, okay, I’m not a scientist or a doctor, but it’s the thought that counts, no?

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