There comes a point in some relationships where you realise it’s not the fights that exhaust you, it’s the constant need to justify yourself. You rehearse conversations in your head, choose your words carefully, and still feel misunderstood. Ladies, if you’re with a partner who twists every discussion into unnecessary arguments, leaving them isn’t just about walking away; it’s about learning how to emotionally detach first. Before you convince yourself that it’s just a rough phase in your relationship, you should question whether you’re living with a narcissistic partner or just someone who wants to control you. They will not stop mistreating you until you put a stop to it. But breaking up with a such a person is not easy, and that’s why you should learn the DEEP technique.

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What is the DEEP technique?

Coined by clinical psychologist Dr Ramani Durvasula, the DEEP technique is a psychological strategy to deal with narcissistic abuse in relationships. The DEEP technique is not about winning arguments or changing someone; it is about disengaging from such a relationship without escalating conflict. Here’s what DEEP stands for and how you can use it to get out of a toxic relationship.

D – Don’t defend

When you defend yourself in an argument, you expect the other person to understand you. But it doesn’t work that way with red flag partners. So, if you want to break up with a narcissist, you shouldn’t defend yourself or you’ll stay stuck proving your worth every minute of your life with them.

E – Don’t engage

Narcissists know how to get on someone’s nerves to trigger an extreme emotional reaction. But you don’t have to give them access to your emotions. You just have to disengage from them without being rude or silent. For instance, if your partner says, “You’re impossible to talk to. Why do you keep making such a big deal out of nothing every time?” or “Here you go again, creating drama.” You don’t have to agree with them or stay silent either. Instead, use the DEEP technique and choose responses like, “Fine, I’m not getting into this right now.” Then, step away from the conversation.

E – Don’t explain

The urge to explain yourself when someone blames you for something is real. But toxic partners can easily use this urge to manipulate you. They’ll twist your words, bring them up later, or use them to gaslight you. But when you don’t overexplain yourself, you slowly regain control in the relationship.

P – Don’t personalise

According to the Bay Area CBT Center, narcissists use a baiting trick to deliberately trigger emotional reactions in others. They use it to shift attention away from their own faults. This is also one of the most evident signs of narcissistic abuse in relationships.

If they insult you, try not to take it personally. Say, you point out how they only plan dates around what interests them. To that, your partner can say something like, “You are always overthinking or nagging me. Why are you so sensitive?” Now, try not to question your feelings, behaviour, or choices. In those moments, remind yourself that your partner is trying to control you with such remarks. You’re not being “too sensitive” or “overthinking”, you’re just expressing what you felt that they can’t or refuse to understand.

Why the DEEP technique is effective for breaking up with a narcissist

The strategy will help you regain control to come out of the toxicity. When you stop defending, engaging, explaining, and personalising their views about you, you gain clarity and mental peace. This also makes the breakup less dramatic, especially when you have made up your mind to leave your partner. It reduces the chances of narcissistic partners manipulating, guilt-tripping, or love-bombing you into staying with them. Over time, the arguments reduce, their control weakens, their interest wanes, and they stop chasing you the same way.

That said, breaking up with a narcissist using the DEEP technique doesn’t mean your pain has disappeared. You must seek professional help and connect with a therapist to process the trauma. You should also reach out to your family and friends to help you heal.

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FAQs

Q1. How long does it take for the DEEP technique to work?

There’s no fixed timeline. It can take weeks to a few months for the DEEP technique to help you leave a narcissist, provided you use it consistently and effectively.

Q2. What if his behaviour becomes worse when I stop reacting?

Escalation can happen. If the behaviour becomes threatening or unsafe, prioritise your safety and seek professional or legal support immediately.

Q3. Is the DEEP technique the same as the no-contact rule in dating?

No. The DEEP strategy is a way to emotionally disengage from a narcissistic man when contact is unavoidable. The no-contact rule is a later step once emotional and physical distance is possible.

Q4. Will using the DEEP technique make the narcissist lose interest?

Yes. Narcissists thrive on emotional reactions. When those reactions fade, the connection weakens, reducing their attempts to control their innocent partners.

Q5. Can we use the DEEP technique with family members who show narcissistic traits?

Yes. While it’s commonly used in romantic relationships, the DEEP strategy also works with narcissistic parents, siblings, friends, or relatives.