Hi, my lovelies! I’m back from yet another celebrity wedding. Uff, too many weddings these days, I tell you! I was at Deepveer’s wedding too, if you remember. And I gave you all the inside deets from that nightmare. Now, it’s PC’s turn. You know, apni Priyanka? Remember how I said Lake Como was terrible? This was way worse! There was so much drama and tension.

But first, let me just say how disappointed I am that Deepika and Ranveer are not having another reception. I mean, only three receptions? So plebeian of them. They should’ve had at least one more since I wasn’t there for the last one. I actually missed the real Bajirao Mastani for Kashi Bai. Such a terrible decision, but Nick begged me to come. He said he wouldn’t get married without me.

Anyway, I know you’re waiting for all the goss. So here it is. In points. So that you don’t miss anything.

1. One helipad. One!

There was just one helipad at Umaid Bhawan. How tacky! I was told there would be no paps at the wedding, but no one told me I would have to land at the airport and take a taxi from there. Disgusting! I didn’t even have time to change into my Sabyasachi lehenga for my airport look. I literally had to run to the car, with the Fendi sunglasses covering my embarrassed eyes. Thankfully, I managed to fool the paps and not a single one clicked me. What if Pammi Bua had seen me repeating my Gucci jeans? Imagine!

2. Sansa ke sanskaar. Or lack thereof!

Yeah, yeah, I know her name is Sophie. But she insisted on everyone calling her Sansa, Lady of Umaid Bhawan. As soon as I reached the palace, I saw her walking around in a grey gown with some chelas. She was ordering people to change the decor to make it look more like Winterfell. That girl was in rebellion mode! She was so upset that PC was getting married before her. She literally wore black at the mehendi! Who does that? Everyone was talking about it.

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Look at her! Pretending to be happy.

3. Speaking of black…

That’s the colour of Sophie’s heart! We planned a duet for the sangeet and it went perfectly. At practice. Then, at the final hour, she just nudged me aside and did a solo dance. I taught her the whole thing and she just stabbed me in the back. PC was so upset. I could tell.

4. My dress got rejected!

I had my bridesmaid’s dress ready for the Christian wedding for months. It was all white and fluffy, huge thing. When I started modelling it in the corridor for everyone to see, they said I can’t wear white! Apparently, only the bride could wear a big white dress. How rude! If she can wear white, why can’t I? So conservative. Madhu aunty was on my side though. She told me.

5. The only good part of this wedding were the Jonas brothers

They are just so cute. But they are all engaged, married or far too young. Parineeti and I don’t have a chance with any of them, I’m afraid. We asked.

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6. Throwback to PC’s bachelorette

So, as you know, PC and I are really good friends. But she didn’t call me for her bachelorette. I had my “Hungover” eye mask and trendy robe ready for it. So I asked her about it and Priyanka pretended to not even know me! I was just like, “Hello, we’ve met like 2 whole times!” But I know why this happened. Isha told her not to call me. And I’ll tell you why, my lovelies.

7. The Ambanis are so jealous of me!

While leaving Umaid Bhawan, my chopper was late and the Ambanis didn’t even offer me a ride. I think it’s because I rejected Akash’s rishta in 2016. I mean, we were just good friends, you know. Then he told me that he wants to marry me. I refused, because I knew they were only after my money. Mummy and Daddy told me. I was so polite though when I sent the 15 carat ring back to Nita aunty. But they got so offended. And it wasn’t just the chopper and the bachelorette, Isha literally pushed me aside to be in front in this picture. PC actually wanted me by her side. She was so hurt. You can see it in her eyes.

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I know the wedding looks great, you guys. But what’s a wedding without a decent dal makhani? It’s like no one can get this shaadi staple right these days. Deepika and Ranveer ruined it in Italy, and PC and Nick couldn’t get it right in Jodhpur either. They didn’t even have gulab jamuns to compensate.

So, while I satisfy my dal makhani cravings with my fourth paratha, I’m going to text Deepika to have another reception. I’m sure they’re up for it.