Hello, beta ji. No, no, not you. I’m talking to the actual beta jis of the world. The brand new band of bachchas that will grace our lives from 2025 onwards – Generation Beta! While Generation Alpha will grow up fixing everything millennials and Gen Z ruined, I have much higher expectations from Generation Beta. I think this will (finally) be the generation that will make the world a better place. Step aside, all you oldies. Ho gaya bas tum logon ka AI-shay I, random boycotts of unknown people, and complaining about climate change while throwing garbage on the streets.

Here’s what I hope Generation Beta brings to the world.

Human intelligence

We’re going cuckoo over artificial intelligence but paying no attention to our own brains. We want AI to do everything for us while we scroll and scroll for hours. Up down, up down, like Musk and Zuckerberg ke chaabi wale khilone. I hope this new generation of bachchas makes it trendy to be smart again and do what smart people do. Take care of ourselves and each other, call out bewakoofi and basic kameenapan no matter who’s doing it, and talk normally instead of vomiting out a string of not-so-humble brags every time someone asks, “How’re you?”.

Dumb phones

Beta ji, I’m done with smartphones. Button wale phones vaapis le aao please. Maybe then people will stop sending me 10,000 reels every day and get upset when I don’t react to each and every one of them. Also, this touchscreen system is not working for me. I’m tired of cleaning oil marks and fingerprints on my phone every day. And it’s no fun to hang up on anyone after a fight. Pehle when Mrs Duggal and I used to argue about our kitty group on the phone, I could bang the phone down on her or I could push a button really aggressively. Now, all I can do is an angry tap. Can’t even throw these “smart” phones in dramatic moments. Not all of us are Nita Mukesh Ambani, you know.

Flying cars

We’ve been waiting for this one since we were kids. The Jetsons (do you know who they are?) showed us dreams of flying cars and no traffic jams but they have remained dreams only. I am very tired of traffic jams and cars that go into potholes, bachche. As is the rest of the world. Nahi ho raha ab. Also, while you’re at it, please make sure these flying cars are self-driving. Our brains are now fully rotting, so we can’t learn a whole new skill like how to fly cars. Compute hi nahi hoga in our 90s and early 2000s ki over-stimulated brains.

Related: It’s Official, 2024 Was The Year Of ‘Brain Rot’

Ban on board exams

If there was ever a completely unnecessary invention, it was board exams. Nikke nikke bachchon pe toh stress hai hi, adults also go through board exam trauma. These exams, which could have been normal final exams like in every other grade, are responsible for nightmares well into our 40s. I am proof of this. Sometimes, I still wake up panicking that I forgot every word of a jeevni for my Hindi exam and failed. And sometimes, I wake up in a sweat because I still don’t know why a2 + b2 = c2.

I know it’s a lot to put on one set of bachchas but it is what it is. Generation Beta, don’t disappoint your Aunty Eve like the world continues to disappoint her. Okay? Okay.

GIFs Source

Related: Aunty Eve’s Resolutions For 2025: Health, Wealth, And Decent Neighbours