You know me, bachche. I’m a very progressive kind of aunty, not the typical kind who will keep pestering you about shaadi, your job, and babies (ugh). I mean, I will tell you occasionally to get married but I will never tell you to have babies! Unfortunately for you, I am one of a kind. So, you poor babies, have to deal with random people asking about your sex life. Don’t worry, as always, your dear Aunty Eve is here to rescue you.

Here’s how you can deal with people who think it’s okay to ask you about babies. Let’s start with the most common question.

“When are you giving us the good news?“

“My boss has ignored all my emails about my promotion and pay hike. Usse poochhna chahiye when he is giving me the good news.“

“Right now! My blood tests were all clear, despite all the lockdown drinking. Liver is perfect!“

“Well, my husband and I are still married even though we’ve both been working from home. That’s pretty good news, no?“

There are so many possible answers to this, beta. Just go prepared.

Steer the conversation towards poop and vomit

“Are you saying you actually like human poop and vomit?” After all, if you like babies, you have to like everything about them, including the uncontrollable fountains of vomit and poop and pee. We know that’s not fun, so ask them why they like it.

Ask the elders to explain in detail how babies are made

“I want to have babies but I don’t know how. Aap batao, how did you have a baby?” Watch in amusement how they slink away from you. Everyone wants to talk about babies but not where they come from. Exploit the abysmal lack of sex education in our country, bachche.

Ask about the best positions to conceive

This will be useful if they laugh off the previous point. Say you’ve been trying for a while but failing, so you could really do with advice from people who got it right. It’s all about positions, you see.

Tell them to start saving for your kids’ expenses

“Mutual funds sahi hai, aunty.” Since they are the ones who want you to have babies, they should be the ones to pay for them, no? It’s only fair. Make sure you clarify that you mean 21 years of ALL expenses, not just gifts.

Say you’ve always been told to stay away from boys, so you listened

“Haw, uncle, don’t you know how babies are made? Girls are not allowed to talk to boys, how can I let one touch me? It’s too chhee!” You’re only being sanskaari.

Ask them why you should have kids and offer alternate solutions

“Who will look after you in your old age?” “I’ll hire a fantastic nurse with all the money I would’ve saved by not having a child.”

“This is our time to play with grandchildren!” “I’ll get a dog, play with it.”

“Who will carry on the family name?” “Why does the family name need to be carried on? Are we royal? Is there something you’re not telling me? Is a queen about to give me a makeover and a kingdom?”

Show them a picture of the resident pigeon in your balcony

“This is my child, it poops whenever and wherever it wants, comes and goes as it pleases, and my neighbours hate it.” At this point, they’ll be fairly certain that you shouldn’t reproduce at all.

Get one of your shorter friends or cousins to call you ‘Momma’ in front of them

And don’t say anything to explain. That should end all baby talk forever.

Related: #AskAuntyEve: How To Deal With Annoying Relatives & Their Questions At Weddings