It’s wedding season! If it was any other year, your dear Aunty Eve would be killing it on the dance floor, bachche. Every single night. But it is 2020, after all. Instead of hosting a massive sangeet and behaving like they’re best friends with the celebrity of the season, people now have to think about chhoti chhoti weddings. Oxymoron that is, if you ask me. Yes, I remember some big words from my lunch with the Tharoors.

Everyone, especially in apna south Dilli, is wondering how to plan an intimate wedding. How do you plan a wedding at home? Chaat waale kahaan baithte hain? Is the car-o-bar in the garage? Ew. And who do you call and not call? How are we all managing the hurt egos? That is the biggest problem of all!

Anyway, the point is you can’t have a big wedding without going to jail. So, now that we don’t have a choice, I am here to rescue you, my dear, sweet jigar ke tukde. I will tell you how to plan a small wedding without offending anyone. Pay very close attention to what I’m about to tell you. And don’t tell anyone! This is our secret.

First, don’t tell the whole world about your wedding! If you put a countdown on Instagram, you will be in trouble. How many people will you hide your story from? Someone will take a screenshot, bachche. Zamaana bohot kharaab hai. Be careful.

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Second, keep your pre-wedding shoot extremely private. So, don’t do it in the mohalle ka park in a red gown with a trail. Book a holiday in the Maldives and do it there. Be classy for once.

Third, call the bua you hate but have to invite. And cough on the phone. Dil se nikalni chahiye khaansi. Remember, bachche, practice makes perfect. If you do a good job, she won’t come anywhere close to you or your family for a month.

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Fourth, buy designer knock-offs for all your functions and pretend they’re original. Then, send out a broadcast message saying the wedding is now in your living room because paise khatam ho gaye in lehenga shopping. Also mention that your wedding is now a BYOB party due to unforeseen circumstances.

Fifth, shift your venue to a Tier 3 city. Pretentious city people (not me hehe) will not be seen dead there.

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Sixth, get your friends to dress up as cops and have your own mehendi busted as soon as it starts. Keep the important guests in the loop about this plan. Unless you’d rather get rid of them. You could also scare the chacha you hate with a ride in a “police car”.

Seventh, a couple of months before the wedding, put the word out that you’re accepting online donations of minimum 10,000 rupees from each guest for your Maldives (because where else) honeymoon. Not inclusive of shagun. Make sure you word these instructions in a way that it doesn’t sound like a choice.

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Eighth, and most effective, is to make your wedding vegan, gluten-free, and non-alcoholic. Even your invited guests won’t show up.

Don’t try any of these tricks with me, okay? My dance moves and I are the ultimate shagun.

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Related: DIY Haldi And Mehendi Decor Ideas For An Intimate Wedding