Picture this: You’re on your first date, eager to find out more about their personality. And suddenly, you know everything about their toxic ex, how that one friend did them so bad, and why they haven’t spoken to their dad in six years. You’ve known them for just 20 minutes, and now you’re wondering whether you should play therapist, start flirting, or maybe just run. If you’re thinking they’re just trauma dumping out of awkwardness, you’re wrong. This is textbook floodlighting.

What is floodlighting?

Vulnerability in relationships has always been beautiful when earned. But it can be overwhelming if someone forces it upon you. And that’s why floodlighting feels uncomfortable. Coined by author Brené Brown, floodlighting is basically when someone shares way too much, way too soon, to manipulate you emotionally. They don’t have natural, slow burn romantic conversations that lead to vulnerability much later in relationships. Instead, a floodlighter intentionally drops intense, deeply personal information right at the start. What might feel emotional and intimate at first creates a sense of false intimacy. The floodlighter also tries to put unwanted emotional pressure on you before you’re ready. They want to know if their potential partner can handle them at their worst.

How is floodlighting different from trauma dumping?

Both floodlighting and trauma dumping involve oversharing deeply emotional personal experiences. But the concepts differ in terms of intent and context. A person who trauma dumps just wants to release their emotional burden. They don’t expect you to respond to them in the same way. But a floodlighter seeks validation, tests your boundaries and tolerance, and tries to fast-track intimacy. In terms of context, trauma dumping can happen at any time whenever the person feels the need to vent. But floodlighting tends to happen very early on in a relationship or even on the first date.

Signs of floodlighting in dating

Floodlighting doesn’t always seem obvious, especially if you’re a people-pleaser. In such cases, you might misinterpret it for a genuine bond or feel obliged to form a connection with the floodlighter. So, here are some major signs of floodlighting you should watch out for.

1. They overshare extremely personal details right away

This is one of the most explicit signs of floodlighting, when your date suddenly dumps their past traumas on you. Do you know everything about their childhood trauma, brutal breakup stories, and dysfunctional family dynamics on day three? Yes, you’re being floodlighted. Set boundaries and convey that you’d like to keep things light at first. If they still don’t understand or try to convince you to trauma dump too, take it as a sign to step back.

2. You feel emotionally responsible for them instantly

Even though their stories are real, they’re also emotionally draining. Do you feel like you need to drop everything to comfort them or ‘fix’ them even though you just met? They are probably floodlighting you to be their unpaid therapist. And that’s when you must remind yourself that you’re not. Detaching yourself emotionally is not cruel; it’s self-care.

3. They get upset if you don’t respond the way they want

Do they act cold and distant when you don’t respond to their emotional stories with dramatic concern? Do you feel obliged to share your personal experiences as they repeatedly ask you to? That’s one of the signs of floodlighting in a relationship. You must let them know if their conversations overwhelm you. And if they don’t react well, you know this relationship isn’t going anywhere.

4. The conversation is one-sided

Do you play the listener for 90 per cent of the conversation? If they dominate the entire conversation without pausing to ask anything about you, they are floodlighting you. In such cases, you should try to interrupt and redirect the conversation gently.

5. They disclose intimate details but avoid real accountability

Floodlighters tend to share their emotional stories without revealing their role in them. What if they were at fault at certain times, or they misunderstood someone else? This makes floodlighting a major red flag as it creates a vulnerability that seeks sympathy.

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