Everyone is making fun of Virat Kohli and his unfortunate Instagram algorithm that took him to Avneet Kaur. But I know his pain, bachche. The algorithm has registered many interactions for me also. But everyone thinks they were all me. So, you go through my list of unfortunate algorithm interactions and tell me who you trust more – your dear Aunty Eve and Virat Kohli aka victims of the algorithm or people who claim to use “common sense” and make fun of us?

When my sister got a message from me about my MIL’s excess kanjoosi

And my MIL saw it on my phone. The phone was unlocked so I know what happened. The algorithm took advantage of a vulnerable moment and got me in trouble. But did she listen? No, not at all. Waise hi nahi sunti, ab toh kya hi sunna tha iss panauti ne. Her muh was phuloed for a whole month because of this glitch (yes, I maintain my innocence). It’s okay, Virat Kohli. At least you don’t have a mother-in-law like her. Thank your gods, your situation could’ve been worse. MUCH worse.

When my college boyfriend got engaged to his “ex” and he “forgot” to tell me so I told her he cheated on her with me

And then everyone started blaming me for ruining a perfectly good relationship. But I didn’t do it. It was the algorithm! The algorithm wanted to help me because it saw how upset I was. It saw my searches on my phone na. How to move on from leechad ex, how to tell leechad ex that I was the best thing to happen to him, how to ruin a perfectly good relationship in one shot. But these were just thoughts. I didn’t do anything, the algo tried to save me in its own way. AI is scary, you know.

When the whole colony got to know about Mrs Duggal’s big secret that she only told me

My neighbour and bestie Mrs Duggal told me a big secret. Huge. And I did my duty and kept it to myself. Mostly. I had to tell my other besties in the society because we don’t keep secrets from each other. Now it’s not my fault that my phone heard everything and sent a WhatsApp message to the RWA group. It was the algorithm! The algorithm registered an interaction on my WhatsApp while I was deleting old chats. Same thing that happened with Virat Kohli and Avneet Kaur. I sympathise with him, bachche. I really do. The magarmachh tears, the tone-deaf screaming, the headache. Uff.

When my ex-boss got an email about his face from me

You know me, bachche. I’m not a mean person. Yes, my ex-boss looked like a gorilla with Pinocchio’s nose. It’s a fact. The email, not sent by me, only stated a fact. But the algo in that office was obviously biased towards the boss. So, the email typed itself after a particularly awful meeting and just went trotting off to his inbox. Of course he didn’t listen when I told him it wasn’t me, it was the algo. It’s possible that’s the reason he is now my ex-boss.

Virat Kohli’s “accidental like” on Avneet Kaur’s post really hit home for me, beta ji. The algorithm has registered many interactions for me also. I feel your pain, Virat. I do. But maybe make your life easier and don’t “register” any more “interactions” from your public account. Just saying. Kbye.

Related: How Do You Know When A Breakup Is Coming? Aunty Eve Explains The 5 Major Signs