Like everyone else with an OTT subscription, I too watched the India vs Pakistan Asia Cup final last night. But unlike everyone else, I wasn’t a hypocrite about it and saw through the very childish tantrums that were playing out on the field. Bachche, if any child in a school-level match behaves the way these grown men behaved, the sports teacher would have given one solid chaped. But to throw such tantrums on an international field, in front of the whole world, uff. Why is no one pulling these boys’ ears and telling them to behave like cricketers and stop pretending like their nation’s honour depends on their scowls and curses? Here are the best moments from the India vs Pakistan Asia Cup final. For me. Because I am very entertained by adults being toddlers.

Will play the whole match but won’t shake hands

Batting kar li, bowling kar li, paise kamaa liye off each other’s backs, but handshake is too much. If this isn’t a tantrum, what is? Even if you didn’t want to look friendly, a firm handshake while staring someone straight in the eye can be a very intimidating gesture. And you still maintain the spirit of the sport. But na ji, hum toh bachchon ki tarah gussa dikhaayenge.

Trophy lekar kaun bhaagta hai?

Chalo, young kids throwing tantrums is expected. But last night, even older men were behaving like stubborn toddlers. If you know there can be a situation with the handing over of the trophy and the winning team has made certain conditions clear, why do you have to be so stubborn, Mr Mohsin Naqvi? Kitni daulat aur shaan kam ho rahi thi aapki in stepping aside and letting someone else do the ceremony? But na ji, hum toh trophy lekar vaapas chale jaayenge because how dare someone refuse an uncle?

Why no shoo-shoo sounds with plane gestures?

Why just make gestures? Grab a mic and start making shoo-shoo sounds also. Run around the field pretending to be a plane. Make it a wholesome experience na for yourselves and your fans cheering you on. The actual soldiers and pilots are quietly doing their jobs but cricketers must create viral moments by pretending that the actual fight is the one they’re fighting. But mazaa aaya, I needed to laugh at men.

Cheque toh phenk diya. What about the actual money?

“I’m a big boy, I make big points by throwing away fake cheques”. What was the point of this tantrum? You wanted to play the match, be all fighty-fighty on the field, make money from the game, and once you lose, you throw away the runner-up award. Wah! Kudos to the sportsmanship.

See, bachche, all I’m saying is that khelna hai toh play properly or don’t play at all. Why do all this drama once you’ve decided to be on the field? Also, just a thought, don’t hate me for it. If we can watch Pakistani cricketers on big screens and TVs in every home, why can’t we watch Pakistani actors ki movies? Are we scared that they might, I don’t know, do well?

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