Hello ji. Father’s Day is here once again, and I see a lot of you dads are preparing to be crowned ‘Best Father in the Universe’. Bachche ji, I hate to break it to you, but some of you are not even the best fathers in the mohalla. So, Aunty Eve is here to burst your smelly bubble and teach you how to be a good father. Now, don’t come at me with ‘oh, what does an aunty know about being a dad’, because I know everything about everything, okay? Listen to me if you want your child to like you 20 years from now.

Don’t spoil your kids so much that the world hates them as adults

It’s great to pamper your children. Unconditional love and all that, I get it. But beta ji, don’t spoil your little one so much also that other people start seeing them as trash. Before you know it, your chubby 5-year-old throwing a tantrum at Hamleys will become a messy 25-year-old getting thrown out of Haldirams. No one likes an adult who doesn’t know when to shut up, what to say to whom, or how to behave in public and in private. No one!

Insisting on a toy like a normal child is fine, but screaming bloody murder at the sight of a remote-controlled car is just unhinged, bachche.

Be a good partner to their mom

So, you know, don’t be the man that dumps his bag on the dining table, takes off his shoes and socks in the corridor, and just lies like a dead body because you worked eight hours on a desk. It’s your home too, your bachchas too. Rest for a while and then help the mother of your children with her 24×7 unpaid physical, emotional, and mental labour. Or at least use the weekend to give her some time off if your work is so tiring that your muscles stop working as soon as you enter the house. It’s too late for me to tell you not to have kids if you don’t have time for them, so just be a better husband.

This brings me to my next point…

Work 14 hours a day if you want, but don’t hold it against your little one

Dekho, your child didn’t ever go to your boss and say, “Give this guy 14 hours of work every day and make him sit in office for the duration of my childhood”. So, if you’ve chosen a career that makes you work like this, please don’t call your child thankless and demand that they worship the ground you walk on. Your child never asked for a rich daddy, they are happy just to have you around.

Spend one-on-one time with the baby – even if your baby is 25 years old

Babies are hard work, bachche. Ask any young mom how much work she does in a day, and she’ll just roll her eyes at you and walk away. Because giving you that whole list will take at least 30 minutes and she doesn’t have that much time to spare. So, if you’re a new dad, spend time alone with the baby. Bond, let mom nap, and whisper spells into your baby’s ears so that they always choose you as the favourite parent. And if you’re an old dad, and your baby is a 20-something gabru, make them take you out for father-baby time and chat. There’s always something they need to cry about.

Don’t force them to meet relatives they don’t like

Do you remember the uncle you used to hate meeting as a child? We all had one. And I’m sure your child also has one such relative who they really don’t like. Whatever the reason for this dislike may be, don’t force your child to meet relatives they’d rather avoid. And by gawd, bachche, if I see you forcing your child to hug and kiss somebody, my chappal will come flying at you like Elon Musk’s rocket.

Mind your words

And I don’t mean cuss words, bachche. That toh they will learn in school anyway, no matter how creative you get at home. I mean, think of the way you talk about other people in front of your kids. And especially how you talk to and about women. Because aagey jaake, this little bachcha of yours is going to embarrass themselves in public when they open their potty mouth. Inspired by you.

Let them decide who they want to be

Your dreams are your dreams, and your bachcha’s dreams are theirs. Why do you want your bachcha to follow your dream? After all, your child is a fully functioning human being, not an AI-generated clone of you. So, if you wanted to be a pilot but mummy-daddy ne banne nahi diya, it’s not necessary that your mini-me carries this dream forward.

Keep following Aunty Eve

Because when you do that, you excel at life, bachche. Aunty knows all, there is no better guide. Jhappis and pappis. With consent, of course.

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