August 21, 2016

Simply the fact that you’ve reached here shows that you’ve done it at least once in your lifetime. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? So you couldn’t resist that Cheese Burst Pizza in front of you and gulped more than you should have, and your stomach feels like a brick wall just waiting to burst from a single pop. And then you’re hand-in-hand with your boyfriend and using the washroom would just be too embarrassing. You know what’s coming, don’t you? Let it rip!

This passage of gas irks most people, but you’re not truly a criminal unless you get caught, if you know what we mean! It was one of those natural processes exercised by everyone on planet Earth unless one prefers to feel constipated and bloated. What if there’s a way to experience that post-act relief without raising a few nostrils? (Pun intended)

Here’s your guide to hiding farts in public!

1. Don’t Move A Muscle

Once you’ve taken the plunge, stay still like a mannequin. Any signs of movement and you will be pinned by those around you on account of fleeing the scene. Know how to make a poker face? It would come in handy if your expressions remain the same as well. Give nothing away!

2. Be The First One To Identify

Just like you get brownie points when you come first in a Mathematics exam in school, you automatically get a sense of immunity if you’re the first person to identify the raging smell. Move your hands with conviction and start coughing whilst yelling out ‘Aaye Haye’ and ‘What the F**k’. Not only will you get rid of all suspicion, people around will be sympathetic towards you as well. Make sure you don’t break face and keep that serious disgusted look throughout.

3. The Good Old Distraction

What happens when your girlfriend starts shouting when you are peacefully watching Manchester United in action? Everything else goes mute but that shrill squeaky voice, isn’t it? Hope you’ve gotten this gist by now? Well, when you know you’re about to blast away, meticulously either cough too loud or fake sneezing in order to cover up the hideous thing you just did in public.

4. Trust Your Tummy Instinct

You can’t possibly be prepared for everything in life. There are times when you just need to let go irrespective of the surroundings. During such times, just blindly trust your internal digestive system enough to know that you won’t stink the room once the deed is done and bask away. Try leaning against a wall to give yourself that leverage and if you’re already seated, the glass is half full already. This works the best if you’re a moderate eater in general as your farts come out aroma-less.

Even though it might not seem like it, but farting in public like a ninja is an art! Not everyone can master this trade; however you need to step up when duty calls or in this case, open the back-door.